Dear Narcissistic Mother, on Mother's Day
Dear Narcissistic Mother,
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I don’t have you in my life. I am so sorry for that! I wondered if it was going to be a good idea to call you, or email you tomorrow to wish you Happy Mother’s Day. But, you know, since we went no contact – a decision that I thought was going to break me when I made it – there’s been a peaceful silence around me that makes it hard to miss your presence. Whether this is a temporary thing that will eventually go away, because eventually I will miss you back in my life (used to your abuse as I am!), right now I have to admit that, even though the silence is unfamiliar, I needed it so badly. So, I have to thank you for letting me go, for allowing me to choose (again, is it only temporary?) not to have you in my life. Hopefully your pride will continue to prevail and your need to abuse me will not be strong enough to make you reach out to me and try to lure me back into your life, whether by using guilt or victimization.
See, I know all your tricks very well. Still, the fact that I am still your daughter, and all the associated societal norms for that, makes me feel guilty or at fault somehow. I know that I am not at fault. With my mind and my rational, yes, I know. I know I have every right to be, to exist as an individual, and not as an extension of you in the world, as so many times you told me that I was. I have the right to speak, I have the right to feel, I have the right to not like things, and I have the right to be hurt by your actions. I don’t have to remember the same past that you do just because you say so, because I have the right to my own childhood, mess up and all, and I have the right to look at it and resignify the events to allow me a healthier living. Yes, because my experiences did affect me a lot, and I did have to do a lot of work on myself to be able to be mentally and emotionally healthy. You will never know what that means, not because you don’t have any problems of your own, but because you refuse to see your toxic behavior (to yourself and others) as problems. So, I guess you will always be happier than me, in your own ignorance and denial. Which is why that void you feel in your chest, and that anger that time and again emerges keeping you up at night or making you turn against people will always be there. That feeling that makes you restless and profoundly unhappy, that you assign to others’ doings and you never take responsibility over, that will always haunt you and never let you be at peace for long enough, if ever.
Thinking about tomorrow, I don’t feel sadness. Curiously enough, I don’t feel anything. I just don’t feel. Is that a consequence of all the hurt you submitted me to over the past 40 years? I am not sure. But not feeling right now protects me from reaching out to your abuse again. So I will take that.
As for you, I truly wish that you are not suffering. I hope you are doing fine, I hope you can feel enough anger for me tomorrow, when you see I am not there and that I don’t call, not to miss me and to stay away. I hope you can find someone to put in my place, because I do think that deep down you are capable of love; you are just not capable of loving me. But you would probably be able to love someone else, at least for a short while, until your demons and paranoia takes over.
At any rate, I wish you a nice day tomorrow. Thank you for giving birth to me. Unfortunately, I can’t celebrate you for being a mom, but I will enjoy my day with my children and my family, doing my best to think as little as possible that I would like to have a mom to celebrate with me as well.