Nothing in life ever comes easySometimes, not even life itselfConception may happen as an act of loveBut that ephemeral four-letter word Can be as fleeting as a scared birdThat can't look you in the eyes for longCan't hold you to make you feel

that you belongMight make you constantly feel

that you did something wrongAnd may sound like a distant, unfamiliar songSo, once the connection in the womb is severed,And we are faced with complete helplessness,We hope that our cries are met with loveBut what happens when all that is nurturedIs a gigantic whole in your core?Life, people and love come in many formsBut a life that starts with death should be taken as a warningThat innocence should be droppedAnd that the loss of your childhood will eventually be your mourningLonely evenings in a fully lit up homeFrightened nights with only grandma on the phoneA self-help book on the night stand to train you not to feelAnd to make you believe that your fears are not realGhosts hiding behind every doorWhen last night you faced them and said, "no more!"But how to handle so much when you're barely seven?Maybe I'd be better off if I were still in heaven.Will she take long this time? Should I call and ask?Go ahead, baby, tell her how you feel."Mommy, I wish you would be home with me at nights.""So, must I be unhappy just to be by your side?"But because life is stubborn and pervasiveEven on the most arid soilWith some water every now and then And occasional sunlightNature still grows, and survivesAnd one may get fartherthan could have ever been imagined in hindsightBut surviving isn't enoughHealing is imperativeIf a cycle of intergenerational trauma Is to be put to restYou must find another meaningTo your own life's narrativeAnd once you are healedMaybe the pain and trauma can be transformedFrom an unfair, unjust, inexplicable series of hurtful eventsInto an unexpected trainingThat becomes the meaningful foundationThat will enable you to work to heal others and preventThen you may be able to carry yourself differentlyLoving connections can be formedTrust issues may be resolvedYou may still have some walls upBut vulnerability might seem less challenging

However, no matter how shiny, bright and strong you seem on the outsideThere will always be a whole other world to youThat will never be metBy the inattentive observer's eyes

You’ve planned this for years, and now, your little one is finally due to arrive — and you’re a huge bundle of nerves. Are you really ready? What if you don’t know what to do, or you mess up your kid permanently? What if your baby gets sick, you struggle to breastfeed, or your relationship suffers?

Stop. Breathe.

It’s normal to worry as a first-time mom, but billions of women have pulled it off before you, and you will too. Here’s what you need to know about the top worries faced by new moms.

Breastfeeding or Formula?

Breast is best, right? There are real benefits to breastfeeding, but that doesn’t make formula the bad guy. Whether you breastfeed exclusively, stick to formula, or use a combination of the two, your baby will have her nutritional needs met.

There are also real downsides to exclusive breastfeeding, like the time it takes and how that affects women’s ability to return to work. A good breast pump — hands-free if possible — makes breastfeeding far more manageable by letting you pump whenever, wherever and share feeding duties with a partner. When you are nursing, stay comfortable with a breastfeeding bra (look for one that’s wireless and super stretchy for maximum comfort), a nursing pillow, and plenty of nursing pads and balm.

If you go the formula route, keep in mind that while all formula has to meet federal nutrient requirements, each formula is different. Read the labels and do your research.

Sleeping (or Not) with Baby

Sleepless nights are a rite of passage for new parents, but how much sleep loss is too much?

It might take years before you enjoy an uninterrupted eight hours. In the meantime, it’s important to get as much rest as you can. Running on fewer than five hours of sleep makes it harder to lose the baby weight, increases your risk of a car accident, and tanks your moods and focus.

Pump before bed so you can share nighttime feeding duties, nap — or at least lay down — when the baby naps, and when you’re restless in the middle of the night, do something relaxing like reading a book rather than scrolling social media or watching TV. If catching an extra hour of sleep means leaving the dirty dishes, do it. The dishes will be there later, but you can’t make up for lost sleep.

Feeling Like Yourself Again

After being flung from nine months of pregnancy into a touched-out new mom, it can start to feel like your body isn’t your own anymore. Will you ever feel like yourself again, or is this it?

You may never feel like you did in the pre-baby years, but you can gain a sense of confidence in the new you. However, it takes work to maintain an identity for yourself separate from motherhood. Find ways to incorporate the things you love into your new life, even if that means renting a film instead of heading to the theater or video chatting with friends rather than hitting happy hour.

Most importantly, don’t try to do it all alone. Leave the baby home with your spouse while you get a pedicure, hire a babysitter for date night, and be honest when friends and family ask what they can do to help. It may feel awkward asking a friend to throw a load of laundry in the wash, but they wouldn’t offer if they didn’t want to.

It’s tough not to worry as a first-time mom, even when you know your fears aren’t rational. Know that, with time, you’ll get the hang of motherhood and start feeling confident in your new role. However, if stress, fear, or anxiety are getting in the way of your ability to care for and bond with your new baby, talk to your doctor. These could be signs of postpartum depression or anxiety, and while it may seem impossible now, you can feel better with the right help.

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Image via Unsplash

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About the author: Alexis Hall is a proud single mom to three kids and the founder of Single Parent, a website that provides support and advice for the many families out there with only one parent in the household. She has been single since Julian, her youngest child, was born four years ago - and she loves it.

“Are we there yet?”

“I’m hungry!”

“I have to go to the bathroom!”

These are the dreaded phrases you don’t want to hear while you’re on the road with the kids, which can be a truly trying experience if they can’t stand being in a cramped car for hours on end. There are ways to keep them from losing their minds (and you from losing yours) while you make your way along the highway. Here are a few things that’ll make family travel a breeze.

Snacks

There’s no reason to go hungry or stop for fast food along the way. You’ll keep everyone’s belly full and save a bundle of cash by making some car-friendly snacks yourself. There are the old standbys, such as peanut butter and jelly, or more exciting treats, such as crackers and veggies with a savory hummus dip, wraps and protein boxes. Want more? Parents magazine has got you covered.

Regular Stops

Potty breaks shouldn’t be a problem, as you need to stop regularly anyway. That gives everyone a chance to stretch their legs, but the most important reason to do so is safety, as regular stops helps avoid the fatigue that can result in accidents. The Automobile Association recommends a pause every two to three hours for about 15 minutes to recharge and relieve your weary eyes.

Attractions

From concrete dinosaurs to giant scrap-metal birds, there are plenty of wild and wacky sights not far from America’s highways that make a welcome break from the road, say the folks at lifestyle magazine BestLife. Many of them are designed with kids in mind, like the giant elephant in New Jersey that you can climb inside. Treat your little ones to a kid-friendly digital camera so they can capture their memories of exploring and sight-seeing, and they’ll be thrilled every time you say it’s time to pull over. It may add a bit of time to your trip, but you’ll create additional happy memories.

Activity Bags

You won’t hear a peep from the backseat if the kids have their hands occupied, so grab backpacks for the little ones, and fill them with whatever they love to do. Crayons and coloring books are a must, as well as a collection of arts and crafts.

Backseat Cinema

A laptop or tablet will come in handy when the kids get tired with the crafts and coloring, and it’s not hard to find movies that set the mood for adventure. The Madagascar series will keep them entertained for hours enjoying the antics of Alex the lion and Marty the zebra as they try to make their way back to New York from the eponymous island. Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobeis a wonderful selection as well.

Tunes

Time Out magazine has compiled a playlist of 50 road-trip songs that’ll keep everyone upbeat even when the road gets to be a drag. You can also tap into sites such as Spotify to create your own list to rock out to while you are behind the wheel.

Mad Libs

You probably remember Mad Libs from your own road trips as a kid, and they’re still a fun, family-friendly activity all these years later. These short stories with key words missing from them leave your family to fill in the blanks with a noun, verb, adjective or adverb before even reading it, so you’re bound to come up with kooky stories to share that will keep everyone entertained.

With ideas like these, the trip may be even more fun than the destination. Be sure to restock on snacks and crafts before the trip home, so that boredom doesn’t rear its ugly head at the end of your vacation. Happy trails!

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Daniel Sherwin created DadSolo to provide other dads with resources that will help them better equip themselves on single parenthood. He is currently living with his two kids: a 9 y/o daughter and 6 y/o son.

Even though most of the work done by counselors, coaches, psychologists and social workers are research-based and behavior-oriented, I wanted to let you know that what we really work with is invisible. Our approach to a student or patient is through self-report and observed behaviors, and even though both are good tools as hints into the unconscious and into every person's inner pain, they are also subject to different interpretations and abstract. We don’t really know what is the reason behind a person's negative or self-destructive behavior and we don't know much about our patient's life beyond what they tell us. But their report of what is going on is also pervaded by their own filters and lenses with which they see the world. Furthermore, when someone tells you "this is what bothers me", can they be 100% sure that that is the problem? Hardly ever!

Then, based on what we see and hear, we make inferences, create correlations and connections. We take into account what we know (past history), what they tell us and what they do. We try to learn more with our ears, eyes, minds and hearts and we try to come up with an effective approach and intervention that is more likely than others to work for that particular patient, based on elements that are fleeing and subjective.

But the bottom line is that we are dealing with the invisible. We try to understand and solve that which is not concrete, physical, touchable. We try to connect with people that usually are connection-avoidant, who are afraid of letting go of control and who are extremely resistant to letting you in. Some of them have been hurt in the past when they allowed others to know them; others never even had the opportunity to connect, so they don’t know how to do it or what that is all about. They don’t know, and we are usually scared of the unknown.

But we try. We observe behaviors, we try to assess levels of inner peace, improvement in their sense of self-efficacy, their personal satisfaction, we look for any increase (or decrease) of compassion towards others. We observe our patients after we make an intervention in hopes of seeing something better, something new (a break in an old pattern of behavior, a new way of approaching and relating to others, more coherence between thoughts and actions, etc.).

When we see improvements, we are overflowed with happiness. But improvement can be short-lived: old behaviors can be easily triggered in the face of certain threats or challenges, and change can come in ebbs and flows. Growth and improvement is anything but linear. It can happen in gradual steps, but more often than not it shows as one step ahead, two steps back, until it becomes more habitual, familiar, and common place (or safe) for the patient.

Growth and improvement take time, and have different meanings for different individuals. Therefore, it is equally hard to measure. There is no standard scale with items to check off when it comes to personal development, because (as the name says) the development is personal. Although there is certain milestones that are expected in terms of behavior and functioning, what is a meaningful life for each person varies so much. As each person starts treatment at a different developmental level, each person has different goals for their lives.

Thus, coaching and counseling is completely customizable and customized for each patient. It involves as much technique and training as it does sensibility – to find the right approach that will work for that client, but won’t scare them off or push them too hard, beyond their level of readiness to embark on their inner exploration.

And the ending of each of our days is different: some times we are overflowing with happiness for noticing even small changes in the people we work with; others (and more often than not) we are drained, because we feel our clients' pain and suffering very deeply. We care. It would be impossible to do this work if we didn't care.

Witnessing people’s pains and regressions isn’t an easy path to choose in life. But because each negative pattern that is broken, each limiting belief that is overcome is so rewarding, we keep on doing what we do. For our love, compassion and belief that it is possible to be better, happier and live a fuller life.

There are so many perks to owning your own business, especially if you are a busy parent. Starting a small business means blazing your own career path and really believing in yourself, but you need to have the right tools to get yourself off to a positive start. If you are parent living with a disability, here’s what you need to know to make those dreams of being your own boss a reality.

Put Together a Productive Home Workspace

When you are a parent and a small business owner, you may be tempted to use your kitchen or living room as your home office but being able to really focus on making your new business a success means working in an area free from distractions. Use this guide from Angie’s List to organize your own home office and give yourself a space where you can really thrive.

Pick a spot in your home that is free from distractions (including your little ones), like a spare room or even a small corner out of the way. Pay attention to the lighting in your new office and be sure to pick up some ergonomic furniture that provides the support you need on those long work days. If you use a wheelchair, you may find a corner style deskfits your needs and gives you enough space to really spread out. Sitting, however, can be difficult for those who live with severe or chronic pain, so a standing desk would be a better option. Most models are easily adjustable (especially the electric versions), so a standing desk can work for those who use wheelchairs as well. As far as tech, you may want to start with a quality laptop so you can take your work on the go. Choose one that’s lightweight for maximum portability.

Find Funding That Supports Your Business Needs

All small businesses need a bit of initial funding. Your own financial needs will depend a lot on the size and type of business you would like to start, but know that there are numerous funding options available to you.

One of the less risky ways you can set up your business is to provide the initial funding yourself, but as a parent, you may want to avoid draining your savings. That’s where small business grants can come in handy. Research grants that are available to people with disabilities to help make your business dreams come true. Unlike credit cards and loans, most grants provide financial support you will not have to pay back. That can be a huge relief when you are saving for other needs, like an emergency fund or your child’s education. If you are a disabled veteran, you may be eligible to apply for other grants geared toward helping former service members achieve their small business goals.

Learn How to Network and Promote Your New Business

Once you’ve got your funding and your workspace all squared away, you’ll want to check the other items on your business plan off. Any comprehensive business plan should include multiple parts, like a summary of your business and a financial outline, but you will also need a marketing strategy to help your venture succeed.

Networking can play a critical role in building your reputation and promoting your business, so put some thought behind how you will network with other small businesses and community members. You can look for opportunities to mingle in person with other business owners but try to be strategic with your time. Find meetups for people in your industry or related areas, and maybe even look for business groups geared toward those living with a disability. A good social media marketing plan can be essential for any new business too, especially when you are mainly working from home. Research what you should know when it comes to social media so you can make good use of this free marketing tool.

A small business can provide so much flexibility, satisfaction and empowerment to your life as a parent. Put together your plan, find some solid funding, and start making your dreams come true!

Photo Credit:Unsplash

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About the author:.

This picture tells part of my story.

I didn't have an easy childhood (from an emotional and psychological perspective). Even though the things I've lived may have been common for that time, it was not by any means traditional, and it was certainly very hard for me to go through. And that led me to adopt with my first child a lot of the behaviors I was inflicted on by my mom. While I was concerned with protecting her from many of the situations that I was put through, I was repeating others that I would’ve never consciously chosen for her.

But I did. Unadvisedly. Unwillingly. And there isn't a day in my life when I don’t regret it.

Don't get me wrong: studies show that the matching of personalities between mother and child is a factor in their interaction and future success for their relationship. But as an adult, I had to know better. I didn't, but I should have.

It was only through therapy that I could slowly see how I was blindly repeating behaviors that I despised.

Yes, I know that for many decades that was the prevailing belief all around the world, which is why our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents were - most of the time - raised with "tough love" and a strong hand (most times, with a lot more than just a hand). But that never felt right to me. I remember a lot of the strong feelings that I had as a child, of feeling misunderstood in my love and desire for attention, of being misinterpreted in my intentions... Don't you? If that was how I felt, how could I assert that my child was not feeling the same way?

When I made all these connections I decided to break the cycle. Yes, it had been like that with my mom and my grandmother, but it didn't have to continue to be like that. I decided then that I would look at my child - and all children - through the eyes of the child that I once was, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and assuming that they come from a good place. Inflicting pain, hurt and the betrayal of our family's children was going to stop at me.

Unfortunately, despite of my good intentions, that was (once again) a mistake. Because by assuming that every child needs what I used to need I was not seeing my child. I was trying to heal myself and my own childhood through her, which was obviously a mistake. Everybody wants to be seen, and so did my then 11 year old daughter. Of course she rebelled. As smart as she is, she understood that at an unconscious level and basically behaved as if she was telling me to f* off.

A little while after that I noticed that mistake and worked to correct it. Actually, since she was 11 I have been working to correct my well-intentioned wrongdoings. I have always wondered and worried if it’d be truly possible to rescue our story and do something else, if I’d be able to delete from her mind and heart all those times that I was not good enough for her. of my well-intentioned wrongdoings. I didn't know if that would be possible, but I decided that it was worth the fight.

So, I did fight. And maybe I still am fighting.

And even though I like to think that I somehow succeeded, she still carries a lot of resentment towards me, for the mother that I was not equipped to be. With reason!

While I have to accept that that hurt, and resentment may never go away, there’s nothing left for me than to spend my life trying to wash her with all the love she may not have felt in her early years.

If you ever see yourself in a situation of indescribable anger towards your child’s misbehavior, try to look back and ask yourself who are you really angry with.

When your parents were aggressive and punitive towards you they were probably dealing with past issues. And that was not your fault. But your awareness of that is crucial to empower you to stop the cycle. You can be for your kids what you wish your parents had been to you. Or you can look at them hard enough to see what they need as their own beings.

No, what your parents did was NOT to bring you up with ethics and values. The way they raised did not make you a better human being. Spanking, neglect and (emotional, physical or psychological) abuse will never bring up the best in people.

There are other ways to teach your children values without making them feel unworthy, unloved, unseen, disrespected and humiliated.

If you are interested in learning more, let's talk. I can help you heal your own wounds so that you can stop unintentionally hurting others. It may be a lengthy process but it is very worthy it.

Whenever in social circles or coaching sessions, when talking about themselves, people tend to refer to their way of dealing with life experiences as their personalities. There is never a second thought about this. But is that all that there is to who we are? And if so, how does personality come about?

Nature Versus Nurture

As a mother, for the longest time, I have struggled with the nature versus nurture dilemma. Even though I knew kids aren't born a blank slate where we (parents) can write whatever we want, I've always placed the most significant responsibility of who they turn out to be on upbringing.

To an extent, I still feel that it is true. But if kids aren't born a blank slate, how do the dyad nature and nurture play out?

Parenting a Newborn

On one side, we have the child’s personality. Some kids are born great sleepers, others not so much. Some children are more demanding while others are more “independent.” I, for example, had three children who weren't great sleepers and were very demanding of contact and attention.

On the other side of the spectrum, we have parents with their personalities, which is a result of inherent characteristics and life experiences. Some are more anxious; others are more laid back. Some are great at responding to high demands; others feel overwhelmed by them. Some had parents who were very responsive to their needs while others had parents who thought children could be spoiled if immediately attended to at every one of their whims. Truth be told, wasn’t that the prevailing thought about parenting for the past 5 or 6 decades, at least? Different parents have not only different personalities but also had different parents, which will influence their parenting style. And that will shape how they will deal with their children.

Now, let’s put both of these things together: on one side, the child’s personality, on the other, the parent’s. Let’s imagine that, as fate would have it, a parent who feels easily overwhelmed by demands gets a high-need child. The way the parent handles the child's needs will shape not only the child’s personality but the relationship between parent and child. And that relationship, as the child’s first relationship model, will be internalized and will likely set the tone to every relationship they have afterward.

Support Network

Research shows that the first 1,000 days of a child’s life are the most important, which is approximately the first three years of their lives. Or, if we look at life since conception, it will be roughly the child’s first two years. This is when the most significant developmental milestones will happen, where the foundations of optimum health, growth, and neurodevelopment across the lifespan are established. During this period, the child will slowly become more independent and more exploratory of their environment. But this is when they need their caregiver’s (mom, dad or someone else who is a constant part of their routine) support the most. And this is when the support of a network is critical to the caregiver.

By network, I don’t mean a lot of people (or a village, as some would say). A couple of friends (or family members) that one can turn to when one feels tired, overwhelmed, sad, insecure, or anything else. The importance of a support network when parenting in a culture where relocating for work is so prevalent is severely underrated, but of ultimate importance to help a person parent to the best of their abilities.

Parenting, like any other job in life, can get tiring, boring, repetitive, and exhausting. Sometimes we will feel insecure, overwhelmed, happy, fulfilled, an expert at it and that we are failing miserably. All of that is natural and part of the process. But having people around to help keep our feelings in check and our head straight can make it all a lot easier. We need to be able to vent and to normalize most of the roller-coaster feelings that so many parents go through. This is especially true for single parents, who don’t have a partner to share the responsibilities, either because the partner is there but is uninvolved or because he/she is not there at all.

One’s Own Childhood

As with most experiences in life, the way our parents raised us will work as a matrix for how we will raise our children. The matrix will be formed by how they responded to our demands, handled our tantrums, accompanied us at school and made us feel in general. Did you feel love? Did you feel seen and respected? Did you believe that you matter? All of that will set the tone to how you will handle your child’s needs. And if you aren’t able to see and feel how their actions affected you, you are very likely to automatically repeat with your children even those things that you didn’t like. Of course, this is an unconscious process. But any pattern of behavior is at its peak power when it happens outside of our awareness, which is why it is so important to look at it objectively. Self-reflection and personal insight is very important to help us be the parents we want to be.

In that process, it doesn’t matter if you turned out ok despite what hurt you terribly because you and your child are different human beings with different personalities. In other words, it is fantastic that any pain you may have gone through made you stronger/more resilient/etc., but that isn't a guarantee that your child's response will be the same. You and your child are different, and good parenting is being able to respond to your child according to their needs and according to who they are.

Some people are more sensitive than others, and those will probably be more susceptible to actions or words. We can't teach a sensitive child to be tougher by being tough with them. They may eventually learn to silence their feelings to appear stronger, but that is only a coping mechanism, which may come with a price. Later in life, as teens and adults, what will they do to keep their sensitive nature at bay? Drugs? Alcohol? Pills? We won’t know until later. So being able to take that into account from the get-go is critical for success.

Formulas for successful parenting?

Of course, there are no formulas to what will work with every child, because they don't arrive with an owner’s manual that describes their nature and inherent characteristics, so we know how to “handle” them.

But I think that knowing that our relationship will be the result of an interaction between who we are and who they are is a great place to start. When they arrive, they are a blank slate regarding experiences, but not personality traits. And, because we are the adults, we will be the ones making the efforts to adjust to them initially. We can’t expect them to adapt to us (nor should we try to teach them that), because they aren't equipped to do that, emotionally or cognitively. They need to develop for at least 1,000 days after birth to be able to start adjusting to their environment. But during that period, the ball is in our park, and the responsibility to make it work is ours.

For that, we need a support network, and I can’t stress that enough. We need to have people who we can ask for help, be it for the physical caring of the child or for our emotional and psychological care. It is ok to feel overwhelmed, tired, annoyed, angry, loving or fulfilled. Every feeling is ok. But we need an escape for them, or we will turn them onto our babies, and that isn't ok. They should receive only our best, and that is an attainable idea 90% of the time.

Furthermore, we have to be mindful of our patterns of behaviors that are automatic repetitions from our own childhood. It is ok to be critical of our parents because it is possible to love them while recognizing where they hurt us, and what we don’t want to pass along to our children. For that, you need to get in touch with your pain, because if you don’t, you won’t be able to see how that behavior will hurt your child. Keep in mind that even if you turned out ok despite what shouldn't have been done, your child may not. Parenting isn't about you and what worked for you, but about them and what they need from you.

Lastly, remember that development doesn’t need nudging. As with plants, all we have to do is offer a nurturing soil, water, adequate exposure to natural light, and wait for nature to run its course. With children, their nurturing soil is love, routine, and care within an environment that makes room for exploratory behavior. Be attuned to their needs and signs of maturation, and feed into them. Don’t force it.

One last word: love! You can never love your child too much. Love will never spoil a child. Love them immeasurably. I genuinely believe that is the ultimate key for success.

There’s no way anyone-- anyone-- can truly be prepared for parenthood. The challenges that having children throw your way are unpredictable. Whatever problems you get ready for will never appear, while issues you never even thought of will become common occurrences. That’s just how it is.

With that said, people living with disabilities shouldn’t jump into parenthood with nothing but a wing and a prayer. If you know you want to have children in the future, it’s best to start planning today. It’s all about doing what you can leading up to parenthood to make daily operations as smooth as possible so you can handle surprises as they come.

1. Start Saving… A Lot

Parenthood is expensive. The average cost of raising a child through age 17 is now $233,610. That’s just the amount you’ll pay after you have your child, not while you’re expecting. If you plan on having children, start saving for parenthood today.

Beyond saving, parents living with disabilities should take full advantage of personal assistance services available through federal and local governments. While your tax dollars pay for these services, a surprising number of people don’t take advantage of them. Look into these cost-effective solutions to things such as housing and transportation to save more money for the things you want to spend it on.

2. Add Those Extra Accessibility Features

Your home may be accessible, but there are always those extra modifications and accessories you put off because of time or budget. Make sure all of the following are completed before baby arrives:

Install grab bars in tubs and showers to assist with bathing your kidsRemove tripping hazards Transition to all non-slip rugs and matsInvest in a braille label maker to label children’s food for meal prepAdd rubber grips to things you open oftenInstall a low counter for diaper changes

3. Listen to Your Gut

When you’re a parent, perfect strangers will feel the need to tell you about how you are doing the whole parenthood thing wrong. When you are a parent living with a disability, these unnecessary and invasive opinions come tenfold. Take the anecdote provided by Rhoda Olkin, Ph.D. Whenever she asks her daughter to help with her crutches in public, she sees people judging her for placing “another burden” on her child.

Dr. Olkin rightly calls out the prejudice behind the fear that children of parents are forced to take on caregiving tasks at inappropriately young ages… but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to deal with similar situations. Dealing with prejudice and judgment can be exhausting, but don’t let it dissuade you from parenting as you are. Nobody is perfect; everybody is just doing the best they can. Trust your gut and do what you feel is best for your kids.

The truth is...

You can never be totally prepared for parenthood, but you can be pretty prepared! Start saving today and look into personal assistance programs that help parents with disabilities. Make all the accessibility changes possible before baby comes home. Finally, listen to your gut and tune out the critics that are bound to pop up.

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About the author:Ashley Taylor is a freelance writer, photographer, and advocate for people with disabilities. She created DisabledParents.org to provide information and resources to other parents with disabilities. When she isn’t working, she enjoys spending time with her husband and two children.

It was a day like many others. I was talking to my mom over the phone and, at some point, she told me about an episode that happened between her and my grandmother (her mom). The story itself was not new to me: I’d heard it many times before. But my listening was different this time. She was telling me about how my grandmother would go around the family on a smear campaign, sharing all of my mom’s perceived shortcomings as a daughter. And my mom would never think to react. After all, it was her mom. So, out of respect, she would just learn about it, go home, cry, and move on, hurt, but feeling ultimately powerless to change the situation.

My mom’s behavior is a clear example of learned helplessness. While I had always thought of myself as helpless during my childhood, it had never crossed my mind that my fierce and fearless mom could have been as well. She had always been a fighter. Could she also have been that helpless before her mom?

To help us understand what I mean, let’s take a look at the

In humans, this behavior is seen when people find themselves in painful situations that they are powerless to change. Their lack of control over what is going on may be real or just a perception, but because at some point in their past they have tried to escape a similar situation unsuccessfully, they have learned that fighting is useless, and they simply stop trying altogether. Thus, they accept their powerlessness and their fate as presented. This inaction can lead them to overlook opportunities for relief, change or growth.

How this behavior develops in humans

Anyone who is continuously exposed to hurtful situations (be it bullying, abuse, neglect, harassment, etc.) and whose actions have no effect in changing things will eventually stop trying to get relief. If we are kids and we are hurt by those who are supposed to love and protect us, even worse. As humans, we are always trying to create and identify patterns. We want to be able to predict and manipulate our environment. We feel safer when we can estimate that every time A happens, B follows.

However, when learned helplessness develops, this basic logic has been proven wrong. We see that our behavior – be it good, bad or ugly – can’t stop something bad from happening, nor can it cause something good, at least not with that specific person who is hurting us. No matter what we do or say, the bad and hurtful keep coming. We eventually realize that there is nothing that we can do to change things. And we just accept them as they are. We resign to the pain and hurt, and we consider ourselves powerless.

An example of a situation that may teach humans that they are helpless is the (in)famous “cry-it-out” method that is used to teach infants to sleep. Due to social and economic demands, many parents have to return to work when their babies are still very young. And, to cope with their daily job and home life activities, they need the babies to sleep through the night. Therefore, “training” them to sleep is paramount. And while many parents who used this method were successful at achieving their goals, let’s take a look at what really happens when we “train” our baby to sleep.

Infant are non-verbal creatures. The only tool they have to communicate discomfort is their tears. Therefore, whenever they are not comfortable, they cry. And after birth they are uncomfortable a lot: they had it all served to them within the womb. They never felt hunger, thirst, loneliness, they were never too cold or too warm. They had it all for 9 full months. Suddenly, they are pushed through a canal and boom, they are cold, their stomach hurts, they feel lonely, they are hot, there is too much light, too little company… so much is going on! So, they cry! They are adjusting, as much as the parents.

But parents have jobs, and bills to pay that can’t wait. They want to attend to their child, but they also need to work. So, they need to “teach” their baby to sleep. And since babies do cry a lot no matter what, parents focus on the basics: if the baby is changed, fed, warm enough (or fresh enough), they should have no reason to cry. And if they do, they “just” want to be held, and we can’t let them “get into that habit”, or we won’t do anything else in life.

So, when the baby cries at night, they are not attended to because “all of their needs are covered.” Nonetheless, just as adults, infants have other, more subjective needs, that can’t be covered by “the basics”. Babies need food, warmth and clothes, but they also need company, love, affection, safety, a loving presence, among others. And they may be crying to communicate those other needs. Have you noticed how most infants will stop crying when put by their mom’s side on their mom’s bed, even when he/she is not being breastfed? They will stop crying because that meets their need for safety, presence and contact.

But if they cry and they are not responded to, eventually they will stop crying, and the parents will consider that they were successful at training their kids to sleep. But believing that is a mistake. The baby doesn’t stop crying because they learned to soothe themselves to sleep. Until age 3, babies can’t do that, because self-soothing requires access to a former memory where the person has been exposed to a similar situation that now seems threatening, when nothing happened. And access to that former memory would presuppose access to the hippocampus, but scientists now know that, until age 3, the hippocampus is not mature enough to store long-term memories. Therefore, access to the type of memory that is required to calm our fears and allow self-soothing is impossible. We can’t remember anything before age 3 or 4, right?

So, letting our babies cry it out won’t teach them to self-soothe, ever. Yes, they will stop crying, because they will learn that, no matter how hard or loud they cry, they are not powerful enough to modify their environment when they ask for help. They will learn that when they cry no one will come for them: thus, they just stop asking. They accept, and yes, they begin to sleep through the night, not because they are emotionally or psychologically ready for that, but only because they had no option. They learned that they are helpless.

And we can carry with us the belief that we are helpless before life events for life. Think about how many teenagers and adults have a hard time asking for help when involved in dangerous situations, such as drugs or relationship abuse. Setting aside other cultural influences that may hinder Americans' impulse to reach out for others when the going gets tough, this is a form of learned helplessness manifest in adult life.

Conclusion

Learning that we are powerless to change what is bad in our lives has all sorts of negative consequences, from politics, to socioeconomic status, to personal life. It may lead us to accept corrupt politicians, it may make us believe that we have to put up with an abusive boss because we need the money and we won’t find a better job, or it may obligate us to cope with an abusive partner. Furthermore, it may impair us from asking for help when we need it.

And even though it is important to be able to deal with adversity and be resilient, empowerment comes from the feeling that our actions can impact and effect change in our environment. Never losing sight of the beauty of the Serenity Prayer (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference”), let’s not forget that most times in life we can do something to change our current situation. It is important to know when to accept, but mostly it is important to know and believe that when we don’t want something done to us, we have the power to stand up for ourselves and change things.

Does life feel a little bit stale at the moment? Spending too much time in a routine can leave you feeling robotic, lethargic, and generally unhappy. You work hard at school and/or your job, and while you should always strive to achieve the goals you’ve set in your life, you also should consider the importance of pursuing lighter passions to diversify your day-to-day routine. It’s very possible that the fix to getting yourself out of this rut is picking up a hobby and spending your energy on something new. Here’s how picking up a hobby can change your life.

1. Finding the Right Hobby for You

People have their own unique sets of interests. If you are wondering what hobby is best for you, then looking internally at what brings you happiness is the best place to start. Perhaps your hobby draws from something you used to do, such as a sport or craft. If exercise and sports excite you, then you should consider joining an amateur or pick-up league. If you love creating things, such as through arts and crafts or just working with your hands in general, then buy an easel and paint or a workbench and tools. If you do go the artisan route, also be sure you have a space set aside in your home to get to it. Depending on your creative pastime, the garage, a spare room, or even an empty closet could work -- you just need to have enough space to work so you’ll be further inspired to indulge in your beloved activity. Each hobby will come with its own set of expenses, so consider everything you’ll need to buy in order to pursue your hobby before starting.

2. Managing Your Time

When starting your hobby, you’ll need to come up with a healthy schedule to balance with your professional, social, and family life. If your hobby begins to suck up all of your time and energy, then you will quickly burn out. Choose a couple hours out of the week to indulge in your pursuits. If you are joining an amateur league in your favorite sport, make sure the games and practices fit seamlessly with your schedule. The goal is to commit just enough time for your hobby to indulge in your passions, and leave something to look forward to the next time. If you dedicate four hours out of your weekend for a hobby you’re passionate about, then this will help to motivate you to get through the week.

3. Staying Safe

Whatever hobby you pursue, you will want to make sure you are not only operating in a safe, controlled environment, but also have the know-how needed to do it safely. For many, the best hobbies are activities that are unfamiliar. Part of the fun is solving the puzzle and mastering a skill, such as painting or sculpting. If you are working with tools to craft with wood, metal, or glass, you should read up on all the necessary operating manuals. If you aren’t sure you can safely try an activity on your own, consider asking a more experienced friend or mentor to help instruct you, or you could even consider taking courses to learn the ins and outs of your craft before taking the plunge.

4. Reaping the Rewards

Once you begin your hobby of choice, you will discover a few things happening in your life. First, you will feel more motivated -- not only to complete your hobby, but also in other areas in your life. Hobbies help us set goals and teach us the kind of steady work and dedication necessary to reach these goals. Hobbies will also drive us to keep learning, especially if they involve trying something you’ve never done before.

Physical activities are great ways to get the blood pumping and reduce some of the stress that gets built up from the workweek. Playing a sport and exercising your body can clear your mind and feel therapeutic. Most importantly, hobbies can lead us to a feeling of accomplishment. When we achieve goals that we’ve set for ourselves, it feels good and boosts our self-confidence and outlook on life.

If you feel like your life is currently on autopilot, then consider adding a hobby to your routine. The best thing about hobbies is that you can work at your own pace in your own time. If a hobby doesn’t inspire or excite you, you can always try something else. There is no limit to what you can do and achieve in your pursuits.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

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About the author:Maria Cannon believes we’re never too young to dedicate ourselves to a hobby. She created HobbyJr to encourage young people to find a hobby they love. Maria has suffered from depression and anxiety for years. Her hobbies--gardening, quilting, sewing, and knitting--play a major role in maintaining her mental health.

Your kids are innately explorative, energetic and playful. Encouraging them to engage in hobbies offers them numerous benefits including enhancing brain development, motor skills and academic acumen. Hobbies also keep them busy and focused.

Here are ideas for hobbies that are good for kids.

Arts and crafts

Arts and crafts help children to strengthen their fine motor skills and improve coordination. They also engage your child’s creativity. Examples of arts and crafts that your child can engage in include crocheting, woodwork, knitting, quilting, drawing, pencil sketching, modeling, making jewelry and color painting.

Fun science experiments

Your child can engage in fun science experiments at home. For instance, the rainbow magic science experimentrequires simple ingredients and it’s easy and fun. Your child will be amazed at the explosion of colors at the end of the experiment.

Playing instruments

Learning to play an instrument will teach your child concentration, focus and boost their confidence. Music has a calming effect that can be an ideal hobby if your child is aggressive. Some of the best instruments for children to learn include drums, guitar, sax, piano and flute among others. The appropriate instrument for your child will depend on their interest, age and cost.

From age 7, your child can be able to start sax. Experts recommend that you start your child on the clarinet, then teach them sax. Your child will be able to play both at the end, and a clarinet is easier and lighter to play for younger instrumentalists. A regular sax is heavy and weighs at least 5kg, which can make it difficult for a younger child to play.

Whether you start them off with a clarinet or a sax, buying an instrument is more cost effective in the long run than renting one. However, if you are pressed for budget, you can buy one secondhand. Purchase in a reputable music store or online seller and carefully inspect the instrument before bringing it home.

Games

Games are not only fun, but they also help your child to develop essential life skills such as problem-solving, resilience, strategy and creativity. They also help to develop cognitive abilities such as concentration and improve motor skills.

Most of these games can be played indoors, alone or in the company of other people. Games are an affordable hobby option as you only incur the cost of purchasing the game kit once. Depending on your child’s interest, you can buy more than one type of game kit, so that they can be alternating to avoid boredom from playing one game throughout.

Household chores

Your child might have a chore they love to do that can easily become a hobby. Such chores include gardening and cooking. If your child loves to bake, welcome them to help you out in the kitchen. As they get older, allow them to make age-appropriate recipes. You may also take cooking classes together or enroll them in a child-appropriate cooking class.

Likewise, for children who like to plant flowers, allocate them some space in your garden where they can grow plants of their choice. Vegetables and herbs are easy to grow. If you do not have a garden space, you can make an instant garden using window boxes.

Each child has special interests. In determining which hobby is ideal for your child, pay attention to their interests. If your child is energetic and athletic, let him pick up a hobby in sports. If they are artsy, arts and crafts activities are the best.

Photo Credit:Pexels

About the author: Maria Cannon believes we’re never too young to dedicate ourselves to a hobby. She created HobbyJr to encourage young people to find a hobby they love. Maria has suffered from depression and anxiety for years. Her hobbies--gardening, quilting, sewing, and knitting--play a major role in maintaining her mental health.

A recent survey conducted by health insurer Cigna unveiled alarming findings of loneliness in America. The insurer used the UCLA Loneliness Scale, a 20-item questionnaire developed to assess subjective feelings of loneliness and social isolation, to survey more than 20,000 US adults ages 18 and older.

According to the evaluation, 1 in 4 Americans rarely or never feel understood. Additionally, 1 in 5 people said that they rarely or never feel close to someone, 2 in 5 feel that they are isolated from others, and only about half of Americans report having any meaningful in-person interaction. Adults ages 18-22 (the Generation Z) are the loneliest generation, according to the findings. In general, the results show that there is an epidemic of loneliness in America.

Reading this information in numbers can feel too removed, which is why I will try to bring it down to concrete scenarios that are easier for us to picture. What does all of that mean in practical terms?

All of us have problems from time to time. Our realities may differ, but as humans, problems will always find us. Sometimes we can (and prefer to) handle them on our own. Other times, we need to reach out to someone. Do you have someone you could call to talk about it? If you do, you are lucky, because 4 out of 5 Americans don’t feel they do.

So, as lucky as you are, you call and share your problems with your person. If you feel understood, it is like a weight has been lifted from your heart, even if only temporarily, right? Well, 3 out of 4 Americans has no idea how that feels like because when they share, they don’t feel understood.

How about having someone to share a couple of hours, like a coffee, drinks or meal? That feels so good! But, unfortunately, only half of Americans feel that they have any meaningful in-person interaction with people.

And, to top it all off, no, it is not our eldest who feels lonelier. It is our young adults. That is appalling!

The next logical question would be: how did we get to this? Well, it starts in childhood. Our children and teens are feeling lonely as well.

According to the results of the Youth Risk Behavior Survey of 2017 (released every other year to thousands of teens in public and private high schools across the country), roughly one-third of the teens surveyed reported a persistent feeling of sadness or hopelessness. Ellen Kahn, director of the Children, Youth & Families program at the Human Rights Campaign Foundation, says that "It's shocking and alarming and tells us that things are terribly wrong." I am glad she noticed. But where are we failing?

Looking back

Nothing defines Americans more than autonomy and independence – and they are proud to be represented by that. Who wouldn't be? But in the last few decades, they have increased their focus on building careers and economic independence. They want to become successful, and there is nothing wrong with that. But maybe our current definition of success is too narrow.

We define success as being able to provide for ourselves and our family, preferably leaving our mark in the world. We want to make a significant discovery, create something innovative, build a legacy that will outlive us. Because this is the country where everyone (theoretically) has the chance to make a difference, no one wants to miss out on that. We then pursue it. At all costs.

We make sure also to start developing that mindset in our children from an early age. We focus on raising them to be highly functioning adults since they are really young, regardless of their emotional and psychological readiness or maturation. Sometimes, nature needs a push, we think, and we have to provide that push as parents. Thus, we focus on getting them involved in as many extracurricular activities as possible. We also assign them chores at home; we train them to be able to soothe themselves to sleep, we encourage them to get dressed and to feed themselves on their own, all from as early as they can manage a few coordinated moves.

We then teach them that they must focus on making the most of their education so that they can find a good job where they can get proper compensation and build a promising career. Only once they are financially independent, we say, they should think about forming a family and having children, who will be able to continue whatever we have started. We build our lives around our plans for retirement, vacations, college for the children, mortgage, etc., and we teach our children to do the same.

But how about relationships? We believe that the primary skills we need to teach our children are the ones that will ensure that they are successful in the world, but once they are done building a comfortable life, what will they be left with? What about connections and friendships?

Resilience, empathy and emotional regulation

There is a lot of talking these days about our children not being able to tolerate frustration, not knowing how to manage their feelings, and not having empathy for others. And, to correct that, schools want to focus on behavioral training and lectures. But managing feelings, tolerating frustration and having compassion are soft skills. How do you teach that putting kids together in a classroom and talking about it?

You don’t!

These are skills you learn at home with your parents, through modeling, and that will enable you to go out there better equipped to learn the other skills that will make you successful in your career.

Teaching these skills requires looking, touching, being vulnerable and being close to your child. Listening to them, watching them, learning their behavior and the meaning of their stares. In other words, it requires having a relationship with them. And by feeding them on a schedule, taking them to classes and extracurricular activities and making sure they get good grades at school, you are not doing that.

We are failing at teaching our children to build relationships because - guess what! - we don’t develop emotional connections with them. Why? Because we believe that is given: we are family, parents and children, so the emotional connection is already there. It is transmitted through blood and DNA. We don’t think we need to learn anything about how to relate with others. We assume it just happens. As such, we focus on passing along the things that won’t just happen, like how to be a leader, how to be productive, how to set goals, etc.

But relationships don’t just happen. And we are a community of people who feel lonely, who doesn’t know how to reach out because we’ve never even learned that those things – interpersonal connection – were necessary.

Fear of interdependency

Interpersonal connection and relationships require interdependency, and I think few things can scare more Americans than this. We are huge defenders of personal independence, autonomy, freedom, personal space. What I hear the most from millennials is “you do you.” Like, what you do with your life is none of my business.

In theory, that is an interesting approach: it ensures your freedom to be whomever you feel like and do whatever you want. But, deep down, this sentence also communicates indifference.

“You do you” means I don’t have an opinion on what you do because I am busy with my own life. As such, if what you do causes you pain or happiness, hey, not my problem! You handle it. This self-centered approach certainly ensures a competitive culture, which can be valuable as well. But it leaves us lonely.

We tread this thing called life in the process of constant learning. When young adults tell each other “you do you” they are not choosing to be each other’s partners in this learning experience. They’re not having each other’s back. Therefore, how to share fears, mistakes, and regrets? “You do you” don’t encourage sharing, and it assumes that we are all mature enough to deal with our demons on our own.

But are we?

I wasn’t at age 20, and many times I still feel I am not now, at 41.

So, why are we just leaving each other stranded? We can come together for mutual support in situations of extreme need (such as in natural disasters). Why can’t we recognize that, as humans, we are social beings always in need of interaction – a look, a word, a text, a call? Not acknowledging it makes us feel like we are aliens, or that there is something wrong with us when we feel lonely. And we feel demotivated to reach out for help.

Can we please normalize our need for interpersonal connection?

We can’t do this alone, and suicide rates are a proof of this. Why do we insist on it? Why do we leave each other orphans most of the time?

Maybe it is because our parents, with our best interest at heart, didn’t know any better. They had no idea that they had to teach us the importance of building bonds and relying on each other, because they grew up having that, with parents and extended family close to them. So, maybe, they just assumed we would know about it when we were on our own, and that the other skills had to be taught to equip us to the corporate world better. Maybe.

But whatever they did is not working, and we must start asking why. We can’t continue to replicate an unsuccessful behavior forever. We have never been as successful – and as lonely, sad, anxious and depressed – as now. Our children and teens are not faring well either – the rate of mental illness among children and teens has seen a massive increase in the past few years. If we are this successful and this unhappy, we are missing something.

Making room for feelings

We have to remove our eyes from the outside world and take some time for some introspection. When was the last time that you sat with your feelings, as hard as they could be, and just gave them room to be? When was the last time that you delved into your worst emotional pain and allowed yourself to cry like a baby? Doing so is healthy. That won’t help us pay our bills, but what is the point of having all bills paid and no one to share the food on the table?

What about our children? What have we taught them so far about feelings, love, introspection, and empathy? No, they won’t learn that relationships matter and that we are interdependent social beings by what we tell them, they will learn by how they see us treating them and others in our lives. For them, it is not about what we say, but what we do. That is where they get the bulk of their learning from.

We need to stop for a minute to catch our breath. Less focus on developing hard skills and more emphasis on connection and relationships. Artificial intelligence can learn all the hard skills we are so intent in teaching our children in a heartbeat – what they can’t recreate yet is our humanity. How are we doing on that front?

We need to reassess how we are doing things. Our children are screaming for help. We are crying for help. But we all seem deaf to it.

It is a common belief that everybody wants to find love. We grow up thinking that there's someone out there in the world who's looking for a person just like us, with whom we'll be able to build a loving relationship. But my experience shows that, even though most people claim to be open and looking for an intimate connection, not everyone can handle it. This is true especially for men: because of all the preconceived ideas associated with what being a man means (strong and invulnerable), they can quickly jump into relationships but end up not giving what's necessary to build intimacy. And being intimate requires above all being vulnerable, allowing your feelings to be touched and maybe even hurt.

Another aspect of intimacy that can make it scary is that building a relationship requires dedication, effort, and time investment. How many times have we heard of partners that broke up because they are focused on their careers? Well, that can be true. This doesn’t mean that we have to give up on our lives to build a committed partnership. Actually, that can create resentment that will damage the relationship in the long term. But it is essential to keep in mind that, unless we prioritize that person and that relationship over every other person and connection in our lives, it may not work. A relationship is a commitment: we are committed to that person above all others, and we are committed to making it work.

To identify whether fear of intimacy is at stake in your relationship, Dr. Stan Tatkins, author of the book Wired for Love, suggests looking into yours (or your partner’s) core beliefs. It's likely that there lies the fundamental problem in creating an emotional connection with others. After all, Americans are raised to be independent and autonomous. We believe that these skills are mandatory for success and survival.

But if we bring that idea into our relationships, we will naturally put our personal needs above the needs of our partnership, and our partner will feel neglected. Of course, we must maintain a level of independence in any relationship. What I'm saying is that we must strike a balance between being independent and interdependent to build a meaningful connection. Because our relationships need us to be able to depend on (and be dependable to) others.

But how can we know whether we are being interdependent or a burden? Just remember that you are an adult and, as such, you should care for yourself. Indeed there are things that you should expect from your partner. In a relationship, you're supposed to care for each other, to show mutual love, to respect one another, to be faithful and loyal, among other things. But if you have a constant emptiness in your chest that no amount of presence or caring can make go away, it may be time to see how past unmet needs can be making their way into your current relationship.

An intimate relationship isn’t something that happens overnight or by accident. It entails giving a lot of oneself that one may not be willing or able to. And even though we may think that relating is innate to humans, since we are social beings, it can be challenging for many people. It all depends on how our past experiences (childhood included) have shaped us into who we are. And that’s what will determine how able we are to be with others. The idea that there's an instinct that is awakened when we fall in love is a myth. Unfortunately, love has little to do with it. It isn't (and has never been) sufficient condition to give birth or to nurture a relationship.

That is how sometimes even though we love someone intensely, we have to walk away. And that is how occasionally someone who claims to be genuinely in love with us can’t manage to stay in our lives either…

I am sitting with my 15-year-old daughter one afternoon in our kitchen table, just she and I! I am looking at pictures on my Instagram feed. A picture of a highly-celebrated plus-size model comes up.

“She has a beautiful face,” I say, “but I don’t think she is beautiful.”

“Why?”, she asks.

“Because I don’t like her body,” I answer. “I love her self-confidence, and I wish I were like that, but unfortunately I am not.”

“So, you don’t think she is pretty because she is fat?”, she asks, judgingly.

Even though I didn’t use those specific words, yes, that is how I feel.

She looks at me disapprovingly adding that I should never say something like that, that I should find a nicer, more proper way of saying that, because “don’t you realize how hurtful that is?”.

“Yes, I do,” I answer, “which is why I haven’t said (and would never say) something like this to her face.”

“But you still think that.”

“Yes, I do, and I am not sure I can help it. There is nothing wrong with her, and my opinion says nothing about her or who she is. It talks about me and my own problems with body image”, I say.

She is upset. She can’t believe that I said that. I feel uncomfortable because I am not, and I have never been, racist or discriminatory in any way, shape or form. I have never chosen friends or company based on skin color, sexual orientation, gender, or anything like that. My antecessors are black and the person I loved the most in the world – my grandma – was a poor, illiterate mulatto – the full package! So, no, that isn't who I am. But that is my daughter’s opinion of me at this moment, and that isn't a fun place to be.

I have never chosen friends or company based on skin color, sexual orientation, gender, or anything like that. My antecessors are black and the person I loved the most in the world – my grandma – was a poor, illiterate mulatto – the full package!

I ask her what she thinks about the girl. She says that she believes she is pretty. I ask her if she would like to look like her, and she says she wouldn’t. I ask her why. She doesn’t answer. I ask her why she worries so much about body image and body weight when she looks in the mirror or picks clothes to go out. [Probably because she is reflecting some of my issues, some might say, correctly]. She answers, “Because I don’t like how I look when I put on weight.”

So, what is the difference between my opinion and hers, I ask? She says that it is the way that I said it. Thus, it isn't about what one feels about something, but about being politically correct, I conclude. She says it isn't, and the conversation goes on throughout the entire afternoon. We don’t reach a common ground that day. But, at some point, we have to let go of the topic to get to our other tasks.

A few days later my 22-year-old daughter comes from Atlanta to spend the weekend. At some point during dinner, we resume that conversation. After getting her sister caught up, my 15-year-old daughter asks her what she thinks. I am again accused of being a discriminatory, judgmental person because I have voiced my opinion to my daughter in the privacy of my home about larger bodies.

A few weeks later, an incident at our local high school reach the papers. Some teens are accused of calling another student the N-word, and because witnesses claim to have watched the event occur, the entire class gets suspended. No one confesses to the alleged crime; thus, everybody is punished for it.

A speculative discussion about the episode ensues in our local parenting Facebook group. The post quickly reaches hundreds of comments and is soon shut down by the group admin. She explains that, at this point, nothing has been proved, but the school has taken action. Therefore, speculation won’t do anyone any good. Plus, she says, we must respect the parents of the accused children who are hurting for the school’s punishing measure. As a parent who isn't American and who is new to town, I feel like my mouth has been taped shut for no good reason.

Luckily, another group, a liberal one, which I am part of, restart the conversation. They say that even though nothing has been proved and punishment has taken place, the conversation must go on. I agree. And, in that conversation, people start debating why the post was shut down, and we have been shut up.

I honestly don’t know, but I wonder if this isn’t somehow analogous to the situation I had with my daughter in our kitchen table a few weeks ago. I feel that the shutting down of the post was about being politically correct (to the parents of the accused children). And, if that is the case, that may be the spine of the issue right there.

Maybe we are so concerned about teaching our teenagers to be proper that we forget to teach them to be acceptingandinclusive. Maybe we should focus less on what shows and more on what doesn’t show: the essence of who we are. We are all equals! That isn't something that we say to look nice: that is the truth. But if we, parents, don’t feel that way, we will never manage to make our kids believe that. If we don’t address our own beliefs in these topics, we won't be able to model the correct mindset and attitude. And while that doesn’t change, situations like this will continue to happen.

When I asked my 22-year-old daughter if it isn't hypocrisy to worry about how one phrases a thought instead of focusing on the beliefs behind it, she said it is a step forward the right direction. But I am not sure she is right. I believe that once our beliefs change, our speech and our behavior change as well. Trying to contain the speech within safe boundaries is easier because it doesn't require us to examine ourselves. But it isn't the lasting solution. The lasting – and more painful – solution is to look at ourselves and our families to see how our household culture is fostering thoughts and behaviors of exclusion and intolerance.

As a parent who has been living in the US for a little over seven years, my concern is that I'm raising my children in a culture that is more concerned about appearances than content. That is concerning to me. I don’t care about who my kids appear to be when they are in a social environment, as much as I care about who they really are in any situation. I know they aren't racist because they haven’t been raised in a racist environment. Still, the fact that they think that how you phrase things is more important than what you think is concerning to me.

See, these kids accused of having called the girl an "n-ger" know that isn't right – or they would've come forward by now about who said it (assuming that the accusation has merit). But they seem to believe that a person of color is an “n-ger.” And that is where the problem is, in my opinion. Beliefs create behavior. If we work on our beliefs, everything else falls into place. So, are we really doing our kids and our community a service by focusing on behaving so properly in a social arena, if our minds and hearts are still in the wrong place?

Please don't tell me we have to start somewhere! It is about time that we move beyond that.

One of the joys of having your own yard is being able to watch your children run around and explore the wonders of being outdoors. This same joy can be shared and experienced by children with autism as well. As a parent, you want your child to have fun outside, but in a way that is safe. Here are some tips for making your backyard safe, accessible, and fun for your autistic child.

1. A Healthy Lawn Makes for a Safe Surface

First things first, you’ll want to make sure that your yard provides a safe environment for your child. When it comes to your child falling down while playing outdoors, it’s not a matter of preventing the fall, but making sure that the surface they are playing on provides a soft landing. You can throw on some gardening gloves and surround play areas with soft wood chips to provide a soft landing. Alternatively, most yards come equipped with grass, which when kept at reasonable height can provide a soft landing anytime your child trips and falls.

2. Keep Your Yard Properly Enclosed

Another important safety tip is to make sure that your yard is properly fenced in. Some children with autism are known to have a flight response to certain situations. If your child is triggered by some outdoor noise, they may start running and could leave the safety of your yard and possibly injure themselves. Keeping your yard enclosed and locked will ensure that your child remains in your yard and safe at all times.

3. Give Your Child a Therapy Swing

Playsets are a good idea for keeping your child entertained outdoors. Some playsets are safer than others, but even the safest playset can’t beat a good old fashion swing. Fortunately, there is a special swing made specifically with autistic children in mind. Therapy swings are made from a wide saucer-shaped base, which can hold one child laying down, or even several children swinging at the same time. Swinging is known to provide certain therapeutic benefits for children with autism. A therapy swing could be a perfect addition to have in your own backyard.

4. Create a Sensory Experience with Fun Outdoor Activities

To really help your child get the most out of their outdoor experience, you should prepare several activities to stoke their curiosity. Children on the autism spectrum perceive and experience their surroundings differently than others. Providing a diverse sensory experience during play will give them an outdoor experience they won’t soon forget. Some activities you can try are coloring with chalk on sidewalks, playing hide and seek, or even turning on the sprinkler for some wet summer fun. Water can be especially useful for children with autism since it provides a sensory experience that relaxes and soothes.

Another way to give your child a fun experience outdoors is by simply looking around and discovering all the life that exists outdoors. Bird watching is a fun experience you can share with your child that can provide hours of entertainment. If you want to take it to the next level, you could even create an outdoor scavenger hunt where your family goes around and tries to find different birds, objects, and animals.

As Plexus points out in this list of activities, the fun doesn’t have to end when the sun goes down, either. Set up your own backyard camping ground with a tent, sleeping bags, and maybe even a small fire. Camping is a unique and thrilling experience for a child, and having this experience in your backyard ensures that your child remains safe at all times. When the sun goes down, you can sing campfire songs and stargaze before tucking in for the night.

The moments you have with your child now will stay with them for the rest of their lives. By creating a safe environment, you’ll give them the chance to come closer nature and open their eyes to the wonderful world around them.

About the author: Danny is a dad living in Philadelphia. He enjoys DIY projects almost as much as raising his two children. He is the co-creator of FixItDads.com, which offers tips for home improvement projects.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Recent research on parenting found out that no matter what you do as a parent, the chances are that you will mess up.

Just kidding.

But, actually, not really!

In a study conducted to evaluate if and how parents’ arguments affect the child’s long-term mental health, wellbeing, and development, it was found that:

The relationship between a parent and a child affects the level of impact that arguments between parents have on the childBad relationships tend to be adopted as a model and hence can be passed on from one generation to the next

Apparently, even when parents argue “in private,” or if they don’t argue but act coldly towards one another, children as young as six months old can sense that something is wrong and show physical/emotional responses to it. When measuring physical signs of stress on children exposed to severe or chronic inter-parental conflict, researchers found in infants an increase in heart rates and on levels of stress hormones in the blood. On the other hand, older children showed signs of anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances and conduct disorders, among others.

The stress response that children show to arguments is so relevant that researchers are speculating if, in fact, it is the conflictive period that precedes divorces that actually hurt them, and not the divorce itself. That is because kids in the study were affected by parental conflict even when the parents were living in different houses. So, researchers wonder, maybe the problem is less about handling the divorce and more about managing the period that precedes the decision.

But if arguing is a natural part of any relationship and if kids can sense that something is off even when the arguing is done in private, how can parents protect their children?

One particular concern of young children is whether the conflict between their parents can put the family’s stability – and their own – at risk. And it seems that being able to understand the causes and consequences of conflicts may help alleviate that concern. Thus, as soon as they can understand, parents are encouraged to try to explain (in an appropriate language) what the argument was about, and to share the conflict resolution as well. It is okay to name feelings (“Mommy was angry”) and explain the reason for them (“because daddy didn’t put the trash away”). It is also important to let them know what brought closure to the issue (“but daddy promised he wouldn’t do that anymore, so now mommy is happy again”).

I know, “our parents never did that, and here we are, healthy and functioning adults.” As a coach, I will dispute the “healthy and functioning” part of the statement, but I get the point. However, life is about evolution. And if there may be a way to make things better, why not try? Even though it may seem inappropriate, this particular study showed that children of all ages are smarter and more attuned to their surroundings than we think. Thus, helping them have a grasp on what happens around them may be helpful to reduce anxiety and give them a sense of control over their environment (their family life), which is so essential at their early years.

What else can you do to help promote the mental wellbeing of your children?

I am glad you asked. :-) Here are a few tips:

1. Attachment, attachment, and attachment. Bond with your child and help them bond with you. Learn to read their cues, moods, smiles, and stares. Help them use their words to communicate their feelings when they can but be able to read their feelings all over them way before that. The more the child feels that they can communicate with you (verbally and non-verbally), the more they feel you get them, and the safer they will feel. Likewise, allow them to learn how to read you by being consistent with your actions and behaviors. Let them learn what makes you happy and what you don’t like. Let those things be the same day in, day out. Be consistent with everything, especially during (roughly) the first three years of their lives (or their first 1,000 days). That will set the tone for every single relationship of their lives. So, be generous with your presence and constant on your affection during those days.

2. Be on top of your own mental health. Have you been anxious or depressed? Have you been unhappy at work or in your marriage? Don’t kid yourself pretending that as long as you care for your little one, they will be fine, because if you are doing step one right, they will know that something is going on inside of you, regardless of what you say or do. And they will absorb the negative of that no matter how hard you try to protect them. To be able to give them your best, you have to feel at your best. And parenting is hard, especially when we didn’t have good parents ourselves. So, don’t spare on caring for your mental health. Your little one needs it more than you can imagine.

3. Allow room for nothingness. Growing up in a high-achieving culture isn’t easy. So, as parents, we try to do everything we can to prepare our children for the competitive future they have ahead of them. And while that may be necessary to some extent, that is also the reason why so much anxiety, depression, and ADHD in children and teens have developed in the past decades. So, allow your kid time to do nothing, or to choose what to do, as they please. Let them fill that space as they wish. Allow time for free play, screen time (yes, if they so please, why not?) and introspection. How? Help them get in touch with their own feelings (“I don’t want to go out today”) and needs (“I am tired”). Help them connect feelings and needs. Help them look inwards and pay attention to what goes on in their bodies and minds. Share your feelings and needs in a language that they can understand – it will help create a connection. Have a structure and stick to a schedule (they need it) but be flexible and listen to the feelings they communicate to you. When we listen, they feel seen and validated, and we all need it. Plus, that will teach them to listen to themselves, even when no one else will.

4. Have fun with them and enjoy their company. They will notice it, and that will be another stepping stone in building long-lasting healthy self-esteem, while building incredible memories. Certainly, a win-win.

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Sources:

How parents' arguments really affect their children, by Prof Gordon Harold, University of Sussex

I am the mother of 3 beautiful children and, as most of my followers know, my first born was not a walk in the park. She is independent and always had a (sometimes) dangerous curiosity about life. She wanted to explore everything since she was a child, regardless of parental advice. So, when it came to keeping her safe, I'd come up with a rule, and she'd think of a way to bend it. Immediately.

But as a parent, my job was to keep trying. So, I insisted. I did everything that the parenting books tell you to do. I exercised strict supervision, I talked, I monitored, I grounded her, and I prayed that she would turn 18 in one piece. And she got there. Today she is 22, beautiful and healthy. She's still independent and has a defiant personality, but now we don't have problems because she's a responsible adult.

Back then we didn't have the monitoring apps that we have today for teens. So, I didn't have that resource, which I would've surely used if we did. But I can assure you that she'd have found a way to work around it as well. And I wonder if that isn't the nature of all teens. They are at that age when they think they know enough to make their own decisions, which isn't true. But the more we tell them (with words or behavior) that they aren't ready yet, the more they want to prove us wrong. Since they don't understand that the best way to win autonomy is by showing responsibility, they just become very good at lying, deceiving and working around our rules to get things done their way.

Now parents have these apps, which they can install in the teens' cellphones to monitor their activity. The goal is to ensure that they aren't engaging in dangerous activity, and (if they are) to intervene before it's too late. But how effective are they in protecting our teens? From personal experience, I can say that it wouldn't have helped me much with my "defiant" first born. So, wouldn't an approach of building trust and open channels of communication work better to keep them safe?

Recent research published by the University of Central Florida seems to indicate so. The team found that authoritarian parents tend to be less responsive to their teen's need for autonomy and more prone to use parental control apps. And, against all the odds, the use of these apps is associated with teens experiencing more, not fewer, online risks, including unwanted explicit content, harassment, and online sexual solicitations. On the other hand, parental involvement and direct supervision seem to be associated with better results regarding peer problems and online victimization for teens. But neither of these factors correlated with the use of parental control apps. How come?

Because these apps represent the presence of a parent in the teen's phone, it makes them feel intruded. Besides, they don't learn to protect themselves when it comes to online behavior. The virtual presence of the parents changes their focus from being safe to getting around parental supervision. The apps, therefore, may feel empowering to parents but are disempowering to teens. It makes them more vulnerable to external attacks and less capable of defending themselves when they are in a situation where no type of parental control is possible.

Furthermore, it seems that these apps foster distrust between teens and parents. When the researchers analyzed 736 publicly posted reviews written by teens for parental-control apps on Google Play, they found that approximately 79 percent of the reviews were at either two stars or less out of a possible 5. Mainly, the kids found that the apps were intrusive and supported "lazy" or bad parenting instead of improving communication between them and their parents. Teens said that they'd rather their parents talk to them than use parental control apps, not because they want to get away with something bad, but because they want their parents' trust and respect.

For me, this is a huge eye-opener. Because the truth is that talking, trying to establish a connection, forming a bond and developing trust with our teens is time-consuming. As a working parent with little to no help, sometimes it's simpler just to impose monitoring and control. But is that effective in accomplishing my goals? The more I read the news about the rate of cyberbullying and teen suicide, I worry, and I want to take action immediately. However, maybe this isn't the most effective or appropriate action when thinking of long-term results.

The good thing is that I have two other kids, ages 14 and 3, with whom I'll have the chance to try new tactics. My goal is to keep them protected while empowering them to protect themselves. With my 14-year-old, for example, I go through the open communication, presence, and connection route. It's worked so far. She's a good student who chooses her friends wisely, and haven't given me big teen problems so far. Of course, she has a different personality, and each child is different, so maybe that helps too.

But trust should be the basis of any relationship, especially with our kids. How can we expect them to trust us if we don't trust them? Trust is something that should be earned by both sides. But how can we build anything when we start from a place of cynicism? The kids need the motivation to respect the rules, and I think that protecting a healthy and honest relationship with the parents is a great one. Preserving our trust and their right to privacy are two more. So that should be the starting point.

The problem of trust is more complex though. Teens are at a stage in their lives when they aren't good at self-regulating, and they want to try everything. Unfortunately, we can't control everything they do. No matter how much we try, the truth is that we can't. Thus, we need them to trust us when we tell them not to do something because it is dangerous, wrong or inappropriate. And that is accomplished through honesty, vulnerability and consistent behavior.

Back to my own experience, with my 14-year-old the rules are: I won't be going over your things in your room, your phone, your bags or your computer. But, as the mom, I am entitled to do it anytime. This way, she knows that my authority overrules her right to privacy. In other words, her right to privacy is conditional on her showing me that she is worthy of my trust. If I ever find something that shouldn't be there, that will be proof that she needs closer monitoring. And, as such, both her privacy and autonomy will be curtailed. It's been working so far. But not necessarily there is a one-size-fits-all solution.

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Source of research: University of Central Florida. (2018, April 3). Apps to keep children safe online may be counterproductive. ScienceDaily. Retrieved April 4, 2018 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180403144447.htm

Are you part of that group who believes that the problem with our kids is that we are too easy on them? I think I have been one of those at some point. I remember my grandmother's life, how hard she had it growing up and how resilient she was as an adult. Not only that: she also had impeccable ethics and, despite having had three open heart surgeries, she had unbeatable energy until the day she died.

On the other hand, we have our children these days, whom we try to protect from anything that can make their lives harder. We make sure they don't feel the financial difficulties we go through. We work divorce agreements that keep their routines as unaltered as possible. We try to make sure their trajectory is smooth. But, to our surprise, they seem less and less capable of handling much simpler life situations than our parents and grandparents had to face. What is wrong? Is excessive protection making them more fragile?

That is our first thought. Maybe, we think, we should give them a handful of difficulties by default just to make sure they can handle challenges. Or perhaps we shouldn't be as easy on them when they make mistakes. Remember how our parents and grandparents were physically punished (at home and school) for every mistake they made? Remember how discipline was valued back then? And look how well they turned out! Maybe that's where we are failing, we think. We should perhaps get stricter or more physical, or maybe we should ground them more/more often. What are we doing wrong?

Well, if you think that harsh parental discipline can aid in building stronger and more resilient adults, think again. A study published last year showed that harsh parental discipline doesn't help manage problem behavior and hyperactivity. Instead of improving these problems, it worsens them.

The study used a sample of about 17,000 children. The researchers evaluated conduct, hyperactivity and emotional problems at ages 3, 5 and 7. They also measured the frequency that parents used physical and verbal discipline tactics of smacking, shouting and telling the child off at these same ages. As expected, they observed that children whose families were facing financial difficulties, the loss of a loved one, relocation, terminal illness, etc. had significantly higher levels of emotional and behavioral problems. These were called "high-risk families." On the other hand, families that weren't facing socioeconomic difficulties nor were going through adverse life events were considered "low-risk."

In both cases, the use of physical or verbal punishment increased emotional symptoms and behavioral problems over time (to a lesser extent on low-risk families). Researchers also noted that even though parents use harsh parental discipline as a result of behavior problems, its very use also creates them.

But if this doesn't work, what does?

I have raised a challenging kid. As such, I know how hard it can be not to resort to physical or verbal discipline when we are at our wit's end. It is not easy. Life comes with challenges, and not everyone is ready to deal with the many curve balls that are thrown at us. I, for one, divorced my first daughter's dad when she was 2, which affected her tremendously. On top of that, I was young and inexperienced, and she had a challenging personality. Put it all together, and we have the perfect storm. As I mentioned in another post, I did use physical punishment with her a few times, and I am not proud of that. But, most importantly, I don't think it has ever worked.

I remember once going to my therapist and telling her about how difficult it was for me to manage her. She then said that some kids don't need a "time out." Instead, they need a "time in," when we sit with them and stay close. We can talk, hug, or just stay together, to eliminate spaces and create closeness. She said that especially kids with an insecure-avoidant attachment style* need the "harsh parental discipline" to be in reverse. In other words, they need an overload of love, because they already have an overload of self-loathing and rejection.

Is it easy? Not at all? Will it work every time for everyone? Surely not. But if being harsh is not working, why not give it a try?

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* Are you confused about what this term means? Check out my page of Psych Terms here.

I've just finished reading the book "Gosnell, The Untold Story of America's Most Prolific Serial Killer." It discusses how the former abortionist Dr. Kermit Gosnell ran his clinic, completely unsupervised, lacking basic sanitary conditions. It describes the many crimes he committed and some of the lives that were lost in the process. It is a striking story. But what interested me the most was how it portrays the flaws of the extremist thinking that runs America and Americans' behavior.

One of the things pointed by the book is the lack of attention that Dr. Gosnell's unspeakable crimes and trial received by the media. Those outlets, which are supposed to inform the public, failed to do their job. So did the governmental agencies, which work is to oversee and protect the public's health, but never inspected the clinic's conditions and practices. This, the authors say, was because the topic at hand - abortion - was already controversial. Bringing attention to those crimes or claiming that more regulation was needed could threaten the right itself.

This is the fundamentally failed mindset that rules most of Americans when it comes to beliefs and politics. Because we are afraid of losing our hard-earned rights, we try to silence any conversation that questions how things are done. The assumption is that by creating regulations, we are taking the first step towards having our right eliminated. But is that true?

Every prosperous and functioning society is organized around rules. We may not like them because we feel that they constrain our freedom. But laws protect our general safety and ensure that other people don't abuse our rights.

Dr. Gosnell is a clear example of how rights without regulation can harm us. In Philadelphia, abortion is allowed until 23 weeks and five days of pregnancy. But, because no one inspected his work, he freely performed late-term abortions, risking patients' lives. This practice wound up risking women's right to abortion altogether.

As stated in the book, because Philadelphia is a liberal state, governmental agencies and politicians "looked the other way." And once authorities uncovered his operation, the media silently "decided" to leave it out of the public eye. After all, if his wrongdoings were made public, the critics of abortion would question the right itself. And nobody would want that.

I see here a parallel to the discussion around gun rights. Every time there's a mass shooting the topic of gun regulation comes back into the conversation. And every time gun owners hear the word "regulation" they jump saying that people want to remove their rights. The mindset operating here is the same: we assume that regulating gun ownership will later result in the removal of the right altogether. And, with that in mind, any argument is driven by fear. We then just resist any change with all our might, without giving it a second thought.

But fear can't and shouldn't be our guiding principle for anything, especially when it comes to defending our rights. Unfortunately, we still need regulations to avoid abuse and to protect us in the use of said rights. Or we wouldn't have Dr. Gosnells around running abortion clinics that meet no standards of health, ethics or safety. Nor would we have people who have mental illness wandering around with guns anytime, anywhere.

By silencing the conversation around regulation, we aren't preserving our rights. Instead, we are just preventing progress. What is the Constitution, if not a set of rules and regulations about our rights? That was progress. And to continue evolving, we need to keep on reassessing rules and regulations. We need to develop frameworks that make it safe for us to have and use our rights. And we need to discuss as a society what is in the best interest of all.

After all, America's extremely individualistic mindset served people to a point. Now we have to move towards a philosophy that puts the best interest of all above our personal interests. It's time to practice active listening and moderation.

Recently, I came across an interesting article that discussed the importance of early childhood education for children in poverty. Among other things, it noted that the lack of adequate stimuli is a determining factor in readiness for kindergarten. The absence of reading time between parents and children, for example, creates a significant language gap on vocabulary.

It is undeniable the importance of early childhood education to children in poverty. They need access to qualified professionals who can assess and meet their needs for growth and development. But that is just part of the problem. Because these families don't make enough, they rely on improvised child care assistance (a neighbor's house, for example) to go to work. The child winds up under the care of someone who isn't prepared to offer adequate stimuli and identify developmental deficits, which deepens the problem.

The article also mentions that many times the language deficit is a result of hearing impairment. Early screening allows for immediate correction of problems, which helps to prevent learning issues. But for children living in poverty, they say, these interventions are hard to find. When found, they may not be affordable. And without that, the child's overall development can be compromised. When they start kindergarten, they have a lot of catching up to do.

Now, let's look at the reverse side of this coin. Even though the discussion focuses on the importance of reading to the child to foster cognition and bonding, there are other ways to do it. The practice of reading to infants isn't as common in other countries as it is in the US. Abroad people use other resources to promote vocabulary and bonding, such as talking to the child. Actually, in some cases talking may be easier than reading, because these parents may be illiterate. If they can't read and they believe that that's the only way to provide stimulation, they may give up before trying something else. Also, a healthy attachment is a significant factor in learning and development. Therefore, it's important to find different forms of bonding, other than through reading. Talking also can work wonders on that front.

But what about those parents who have to work and don't spend their days with their children? Well, here is where the improvised child care space at a neighbor's house can be helpful. If the person watching over the child is loving and attentive, they will meet the child's needs for love and attention. And that may help mend some deficits created by the lack of access to better resources.

Finally, the article mentions that parents' involvement is mandatory to foster development. But the truth is that, during the early years of a child's life, parents' involvement is critical for anything you want to accomplish with a child.

There are a few programs that try to create more inclusion to destitute children. They provide early childhood health assessments (vision and hearing). They also strive to offer them the necessary exposure to language. And that is great! But we should also develop more programs focused on helping the families. For example, they need a safe place to leave their children while they attend to work. Parents need a space where the child can be cared for by educated professionals. The child needs a place where they will receive food, love, and stimulation to foster emotional and physical growth. They could be the generation that will turn their family's history around. As we once had those who were the first in their families to attend college, these could be the ones to get their families out of poverty. Granting them proper care and education during their early years could make a huge impact, socially and culturally. It could turn a page in our history.

Parkland, a city tucked alongside the Everglade Wildlife Management Area on the east coast of Florida, was designed to mimic a park. With a population of 31,507, it's an affluent city that's becoming increasingly popular to live. With tons of character and charm, and the diversified cuisine choices, it has a low crime rate and great schools.One of the high schools serving the city, Marjorie Stoneman Douglas, ranks 8 out of 10 at GreatSchools.org, showing high test scores and college readiness results.

As a parent of 3, one of them in high school, these are the main things I look for when I am house hunting. I want to live in a safe place served by excellent schools and great restaurants. By that measure, Parkland would have been a place I'd consider to raise my family. And, had I done that, I would have deeply regretted that decision. Yesterday a young man killed 17 teenagers and hurt another 19 in the fourth school shooting in the country so far this year.

Some claim that the solution is gun control, others argue that the problem is mental health. But as a parent, I just want to feel that my children are safe. I just want this problem gone. As a child and adolescent specialist, though, I am interested in learning what led this young man to do this. Yes, we're way overdue on the gun control front. But mass school shootings don't happen without someone pulling the trigger. So maybe there's something we're doing wrong that is making room for these occurrences. And that's where I want to look because I have a teen at home. And the truth is that - if you are a parent - any of our kids could've been responsible for it.

The man identified as the suspect in the mass shooting, Nikolas Cruz, is 19 and had been expelled from that high school. [Note: I am referring to him as a man because that is how every mass media is referring to him. But we know that if this had been any of our kids, we'd be talking about him as a 'boy']. He went to the school armed with a weapon similar to an AR-15, gas mask, and smoke grenade. Apparently, he set off the fire alarms right before the shooting to scare the kids out of the classrooms and into the halls, where he was waiting for them. He was able to flee the shooting scene by blending in with the other students. But they apprehended him later, with the help of surveillance videos.

Apparently, the school expelled him when he was 17 for disciplinary reasons. They caught him in a fight with his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend. Colleagues in his current school reported that he loves fire guns. His social media accounts are allegedly filled with pictures of the weapons he loves, supporting this report.

Other than that, we don't know much about his background at this point. But it has already surfaced that he was adopted. One of his adoptive parents died recently, in November 2017 of pneumonia. Cruz and his brother were now living with a family friend. And he was reportedly depressed since his mom died a few months ago. His problematic behavior, though, wasn't new. His adoptive mother called the police to their home a few times to give him advice, in an attempt to scare Cruz into good behavior.

It seems that the gunman's story is one of rejection and mounting anger. That is far from enough to explain his actions, but may be relevant. Studies have shown that in 13 of 15 school shootings that happened between 1995 and 2001 the assailants had suffered social exclusion, bullying or romantic rejection. However, not all adolescents respond to rejection with violence. Where lies the difference?

Adolescence is a time of burgeoning social life and some rejection during this time is inevitable. However, when the rejection is excessive, the relationship is significant, the adolescent is particularly vulnerable to rejection, or the rejection is by an influential peer group, the outcome can be dire. But what can we consider "excessive rejection"? Well, that is a hard question, because rejection is a private event that can't be measured by an outside observer. Only the one feeling it can make that assessment.

Because everyone has experienced some form of rejection at some point, we understand when someone says, “it hurts so bad!” While it can sound metaphorical, the body’s response to rejection actually mirrors physical pain. And all living organisms try to avoid pain. If impossible, we try to find the source of the pain to attack it. Or we just accept it resigned, in a response that Martin Seligman called "learned helplessness."

On top of that, researchers have found that each person has a different level of sensitivity to rejection. By analyzing fMRI studies of the brain, they established that in those who deal better with rejection the prefrontal cortex structures are activated in distressing situations. The same didn't happen in those with high sensitivity to rejection. The prefrontal cortex structures are known to be our brain's CEO, responsible for logical decisions. They mediate our cognitive and emotional response to events.

Of course, these are preliminary studies. But if it's true that there's a biological brain factor involved in our ability to deal with rejection, then this is something that may be "corrected." Our brain's plasticity, especially during the early developmental years, allows for significant neural modifications through behavioral therapy. But if the problem goes unnoticed, we won't be able to intervene adequately.

The environment, personal history, type of rejection and the place where it occurs also contribute to one's level of sensitivity. Our relationship with our parents (or main caregivers) is also of fundamental importance. In a study conducted in 2006 to compare students who responded to rejection aggressively versus those who didn't, there were marked differences. Those who reacted aggressively had the perception of more stress and less parental support. They also reported poorer communication with parents and teachers. In another study, researchers examined adult and adolescent mass murderers in search for predisposing and precipitating factors. They found that predisposing factors among teenagers included a fascination with weapons and war. Among the precipitating factors, they found the occurrence (real or perceived) of a significant rejection just before the murders.

Every adolescent will encounter rejection at some point during adolescence. But how they deal with that seems to be a combination of their biology, psychological and emotional predispositions, as well as social and family relationships. Some will react to it with a depressive response, while others will respond aggressively. As for the schools' efforts to teach empathy, moral reasoning and prosocial behaviors, research doesn't support the idea that these offer real help in preventing future occurrences.

What about creating an assessment of adolescent risk for violence, which could help dealing with bullying as well? It should include a detailed report of family, social and past medical history. A formal recommendation would be made to address any red flags identified. Failure to resolve any issues should lead to further measures, including the non-acceptance of the child in that school. Isn't being current with the immunization schedule one of the requirements for school acceptance in most (if not all) of the country? Why can't an assessment of family, medical and social history be as well? We have to start looking at each child attending the public school system holistically, not only from a physical health perspective. And this should be mandatory nationwide.

As I said, I am a parent, and my dream is to know that my children are safe when they go to school. Gun control is unquestionably a necessary step in the progress of our country. But there may be more to it when it comes to school shootings.

Katy Perry recently mentioned in an interview that her desire to be a parent is getting stronger and, as such, she has decided that it's time to grow up and step into the woman she's meant to be. As such, she says, it is time to let go of childhood trauma. What is she talking about and why does she relate parenting a child with her childhood?

Unbeknownst to many people, these two instances of a person's life are intricately related. When we carry unresolved trauma, either we tend to repeat the behaviors that traumatized us, or we may try to do everything completely different as a parent. And why is this a problem? Because neither is focused on providing our children with what is in their best interest!

A quick note: childhood trauma can be anything that, for one reason or another, traumatizes a person. It doesn't have to be sexual or physical abuse. Katy Perry mentioned in a few of her interviews that she "never had a childhood." She says that because her parents are evangelical preachers, she was barred from reading secular books and novels. Something that may seem simple and not traumatizing to many, for her was a big deal. And that is ok. Each of us responds differently to the actions of those who raised us. But, the most important thing is that she's aware that she's hurt and that she needs to heal before she can parent another human being.

Many questions may have risen by now. Some may be wondering how people can repeat behaviors that hurt them, even if unconsciously. Well, there are many reasons for that. But the most recurring one is that we're wired to protect our parents since birth. And if we aren't able to "do the work" of removing them from the pedestals we naturally put them on (for our survival sake), we won't be able to look critically at their actions while raising us. As a consequence, we may never be able to make different choices.

And many will go through life never doing that. Why? Because to critically look at what they did we must first be willing to face our own pain. We also need to be able to look at them as fallible human beings, which is hard for any child. Lastly, we must be able to examine their love for us critically. Yes, they did love us, we know that. But we may not be willing to admit that (maybe) they not always had our best interest at heart. They may have been self-serving at times, and they may have knowingly ignored our pain when we asked for help.

Many things will emerge in the process of working through our grief. But it can be so daunting that many would rather leave their parents' actions unchallenged. Then, the next logical step is to endorse said actions. By repeating them with our children, we confirm to ourselves that said actions were reasonable. By joining our parents in the way they raised us we may even be able to secure more approval from them. It is a win-win - only that it is not!

How about those who decide to do everything the exact opposite of what their parents did? Isn't that a smart decision? No! Why? Because we are still not operating with our child's best interest at heart. We're still working from the scars of our own childhood and from those things that we either had too much of or not enough. Plus, labeling everything that our parents did as wrong because of some of their actions may leave out useful moves they made when raising us that made us a better person.

Furthermore, our child-rearing approach should never be based on what we had or didn't have, but on our child's needs. As a parent, we may have to come up with an entirely different set of skills than those that our parents had back then. We may have to be creative and think outside of the box to tackle our kid's issues. Because even though each generation has their own set of characteristics related with their cultural environment, our child will have their personality and we must open room in our minds and hearts to get to know them.

I talk from experience. I made this mistake with my first child. I was very young (18) and full of unresolved issues. I'd look at her as a toddler or a young kid (actually, well into her teenage years) and I'd see myself. I'd think of her in terms of those things that lacked for me, and I made a pact with myself that she'd never want for anything. And that was a horrible mistake.

My luck was that she was very smart and she refused the role of "mini-me" that I'd unconsciously assigned to her. She'd rub that on my face and show me who she truly was, whether I liked it or not. So, I'd tell her "I trust you beyond doubt," and she'd fire back saying "don't put all that trust on me because I will lie to you." Yes, she'd say that not when she was a small child, but when she was in her early teenage years. As a child, I'd only put my trust in her blindly, and she'd go and disappoint me over and over again. I think she was trying to say "stop projecting yourself at me and please see me!". Such a smart baby!

I learned my lesson. And because of that, I congratulate Katy Perry for her smart decision! Lucky child of hers!

Recently, I participated in a podcast where we've discussed the importance of nurturing during a child's early years to foster trust and autonomy, and to build stronger teenagers and adults. To Americans, this idea is very similar to Attachment Parenting, a term coined and defended by the American pediatrician Dr. William Sanders. But to me and other Latin American cultures, this is the typical way of raising a child, which is why fostering so much autonomy and independence from an early age sounds so curious to me.

In the face of the differences between the "American way" and the "Latino way" to raise kids, I put on my investigative hat and did some research on both. That is when I learned that there is a scientific term to the way we (and most Latin American countries) raise our children. It is called "Familism."

Even though it is now common mostly among Latinos, back when the term was first used, in 1945, it was defined as a value common to the social structure of traditional, modern peasant-based societies. On the other end of the spectrum was what was called "Individualism," then identified as a characteristic way to raise children among modern urban societies.

To allow us a clear understanding of Familism, here are some of its key aspects: - Familial obligations (to provide material and emotional support) - Perceived support from the family - The use of family as referents to behaviors and attitudes - Family reciprocity and interconnectedness - The subjugation of self for the family.

Put together, these result in a closer relationship to the nuclear family (parents and siblings), more participation of the extended family in the raising of the family's children, and a reduced focus on what is good for the self in exchange for what is favorable for the group.

Familism x Individualism

The Familism's model of raising a child within a familiar community has emotional and psychological benefits. For example, the child feels that they have an extended support network, which likely impacts their openness to new challenges, increasing their self-confidence and sense of trust, and easing their adaptation to new situations. Feeling that they are part of a group of people with similar values and behaviors may also strengthen their sense of identity, boost their self-esteem and reduce any feeling of loneliness. Plus, growing up with cousins and relatives nearby allow the child to create friends within the family group, reducing their dependence on peers and problems related to peer-orientation. On the other hand, Individualism fosters independence and autonomy from an early age, teaching the child to fend for themselves, which are also essential skills. In this process, however, the child nurturing tends to be compromised, in favor of skills such as self-soothing, among others.

However, recent studies show that adequate nurturing in early years is more effective in promoting later independence and self-sufficiency than the encouragement of individualism. The idea is that presenting progressive challenges to children as they age is more efficient than demanding more than they can psychologically and emotionally handle at an early age.

There is an internal maturation process that must take place before we can successfully encourage autonomy and independence. Doing it too early may create those very things that we have been trying so hard to combat in our society: anger issues, selfishness, difficulty "adulting," anxiety problems, fear of facing the simplest challenges in life, bullying, addiction, etc. We believe that by trying to "push" nature, we are helping our children to grow. But the truth is that nature can't be pushed. It follows its own course at its own pace, regardless of how much effort we put into speeding things up.

So, what should we do?

The biggest problem, though, is how our society is structured. Our current environment doesn't encourage the adequate early nurturing we've been talking about. The government does not put in place policies to make companies consider the importance of the early years in a baby's life when a mother gives birth. On the other hand, companies are focused on profits, and won't cut off on theirs when they are not obligated to. Women these days need (and want) to have a career. As such, they are more present at the marketplace, as they should. But they shouldn't have to choose between being a mother and having a career. Neither should their children have to pay for that.

To change our current mental health scenario, we need a structural change in our society. Unfortunately, that comes at a price for big corporations and, as the ones who hold power, no one dares to change the rules for them. Then, we are led to believe that what creates the current issues with our kids and teens is the fact that we overprotect them, we don't give them enough responsibilities, and we coddle them too much. We say that our parents started working much earlier and were much better at managing their lives.

Indeed, our parents and grandparents were much stronger and resilient than our kids. However, it may not be because they were pushed harder and the expectations for them were higher. It may be because, back then, they had the familial support and presence that our kids can't rely on these days. It may be because they were nurtured adequately in the early years, which in turn made them stronger teenagers, who were able to handle challenges much greater than our kids ever would.

Conclusion

If we don't rethink the way we are structured economically and as a society, our kids will continue to "fail" at the task of "growing up" and at becoming functional adults. The mental health issues among them will continue to grow at an alarming rate. These numbers are evidence that something is very wrong. Our kids are asking for help, and we have been unable to decipher the message for too long. It's time to do something.

In the age of victimization, there is no group of victims as large or recognized as those of racial and gender minorities.

Living in the United States as a latin woman, I fit in at least one minority group. I don't see myself in those terms. But the desire to identify and idealize minorities can be so huge that some insist on interacting with me as a member of a class of victims. The intention of these people is good. But who does this approach serve?

Although the identification of disadvantaged groups and the identification of prejudices are necessary for the search for equal opportunities for all genders and races, the politicization of this issue creates two significant problems: the degeneration of the discussion and the exaltation of subjectivity.

We use statistics and numbers as mechanisms to earn power for minorities. We take research results that (with their limitations) are objective information about demographics and use them to justify our subjective perception of reality, creating causal relationships and links where they don't exist. Thus, we say: "Research shows that the number of black CEOs is infinitely lower than that of white CEOs. I think whites are racist. Therefore, the fact that there are no more black CEOs is the whites' fault. " Or we say: "Studies show that very few women work in careers in science and technology. I believe that all men are evil rapists. Thus, the fact that there are few women in science and technology careers is men's fault." Then, without any causal relationship determined by research and without any consistency, these ideas evolve.

When we arrive at such conclusions, the logical next step is to defend the end of these differences, of course! Let there be more women in CEO positions and science and technology areas! But, in doing that, we assume that there is a perfect uniformity between groups. We argue that [INSERT MINORITY] group would have the same opportunities if it weren't for the interference of [INSERT OPPRESSOR GROUP] because we are all perfectly capable of the same things - and we have the same interests. But, if this is true, why the clamor for diversity? If we are all equals, we are also all expendable, because any of us bring the exact same qualities and skills to the table. Thus, nobody truly makes a difference.

Do you understand how these two concepts cannot inhabit the same reality? Either we are all different, and therefore we need the right combination to capitalize on unique qualities and have a qualified heterogeneous group. Or we are all the same, and each human being has the same skills to the same degree of competence as any other, which makes us ultimately expendable and replaceable.

If we ask for diversity, we must recognize the lack of uniformity. And if we recognize the lack of uniformity, we must accept that our skills are different. So, how can we demand everyone to be treated the same if we are all different? Now, if the fight is for equal opportunities to all people and their various aptitudes, interests, and skills, it makes more sense. In this case, however, we have a different problem: in order to grant the same amount of opportunities to the full range of diverse skills and interests available in our society, there must be social demand for said skills. In which case, if the full range of resources available isn't in use it is because there isn't demand, not because of prejudice.

Our problem would then lie in the fact that our prejudices make us value some skills more than others. But we can't draw from that the simplistic conclusion that if we are less qualified in the areas most valued by society, then we are less valuable.

My point is: it isn't about being equals but equally having social and professional opportunities for all kinds of skills. It isn't about saying that anyone could perform any job at any skill level. It is about listening to each individual of working-age in our society and creating job opportunities for their interests and skills as well.

When talking about groups, whenever people say different, we hear inferior. It was this biased listening that made James Damore lose his job. He was a Google engineer who got fired in August 2017 after posting on a Google message board that women are not as present in the tech arena because they aren't biologically wired for engineering, nor do they usually have the same interest. He didn't say that women were inferior to men, he simply said that they were different. Is he wrong? No! I am different from men. In fact, I love being a woman, and I wouldn't trade that for anything! I don't consider myself better or worse, only deliciously different.

But the fact that different translates into inferior made his speech politically incorrect. And because marketing is all about perception, we don’t stand anymore for what is right, but for what the oppressive majority wants to hear. Thus, Google made the easiest move: fired him. And this is sad because such attitude encourages homogeneity more than diversity. It also sends women the subliminal message that they should value themselves in comparison to men as their equals, not by their intrinsic values and abilities. Does that mean that, socially, women have no inherent value of their own unless they can present themselves as possessing the same skills as men’s?

This is a general movement in our society. We measure the value of groups identified as marginalized by how similar they are to the majorities or the groups considered (unjustly) free from marginalization. The famous "privileged." Equality and uniformity have thus become the same thing.

Likewise, Apple's diversity manager (a black and talented woman) lost her job because she dared to suggest that even within a group of white men you will find differences. She approached diversity as part of the human experience, something that goes beyond gender, race, and biological makeup. And she got criticized for that. Being white became socially so empowering that it completely negates all other aspects of a person's existence: nationality, sexuality, socioeconomic knowledge, religious past, philosophical foundations, everything.

On the same line, subjectivity has earned such sovereignty that current positions on gender and race have become mere social constructs proclaimed to have no basis in biology or science. Therefore, they say, we shouldn't value it. However, we must have a perfectly uniform race and gender diversity in all the most desirable professional positions, because they are critical variables in these equations. This is because, they justify, people of different races and genres bring varied experiences and perspectives to the table. Still, we should never talk about the fact that different people have different inclinations and that these shapes who they are. If we do, they will say that this is because we are part of the "privileged" group of men and white. And so on, on a circular argument that goes nowhere but continues forever. See how incongruous the speech is?

Now, why is this important?

Because we have real problems in the world that need immediate attention. For example, the rates of imprisonment among blacks in Western societies are very high. Women are underrepresented in high-paying jobs (which is not to say that there is a pay gap between men and women). Men are overrepresented in occupations with higher fatality rate. Rape rates are alarming. Mental health problems take too many lives every year - especially men's. And these are just some of the most urgent issues we face.

Any good scientist knows that to change a result, we must first accurately diagnose its cause. And the problem of making such topics part of the political discussion is that, when we politicize them, people stop looking for answers and start looking for scapegoats. It ceases to be about finding solutions, and it becomes a mission to determine who is to blame. Meanwhile, the world suffers from the realconsequences of these problems.

It may be that after a thorough investigation it turns out that men and whites account for 90% of the world's problems. But today we have no evidence of that, only feelings created by our subjective experience of reality. Therefore, a rigorous investigation is necessary before we quickly condemn whole groups of people.

This is not a game where blacks win and whites lose, or women win and men lose. It is a reality where we all win or lose together because there is only one Earth, and we all we have to share it.

[Inspired by this article!]

This time of the year is happy for many, but may be a struggle for many others. Ideally, the holidays are a time for gathering around the table, sharing stories, catching up on each other’s lives, exchanging gifts, and eating delicious food. But that isn’t always the case, especially when challenging family members or members with mental disorders are present. For some adult children of mentally ill parents, this can be an especially stressful time. Sometimes they have kept little to no contact with the family for the entire year to protect their own mental and emotional health, maybe calling once a month for a quick check-up, and now they have to spend a week together. That can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to end badly. There are ways to deal with the repressed or unresolved emotions that may surface. There are things that you can do to reduce your anxiety about how your parents will behave. It doesn’t have to be a time or place for the resurfacing of old conflicts. And, most importantly, you can stay in control. See below four tips to transform a potentially stressful situation into a neutral (or even good!) get-together.

1. Set your expectations right

Disillusionments tend to be a result of unrealistic expectations. Thus, it is important to clearly know what you can expect — from yourself, from your family, and from the event. Most importantly, it’s crucial to understand what NOT TO expect. For example, if you have decades of history with them that accounts for stress, resentment, and criticism, you have no reason to believe that things will be different now. If they’ve never had any empathy for your problems, or if they’re always expecting you to give them expensive gifts, that’s what will happen this time. They are who they are, and probably that’s who they will always be. If you believe that things will be different this time because they’ve aged or because they haven’t seen you for a while, you are in for a disappointment. By hoping for that, you’re also giving the power over your wellbeing away. When you plan your behavior based on what they do or don’t do, you’re putting the outcome of this moment on others. Take the power back! Plan your responses to allow you the best possible experience despite them. It’s always great to hope for the best, but hoping is also the chief cause for disillusionment. So, use caution there. Past behavior tends to be the best predictor of future behavior. Stick to history for a fairer set of hopes regarding the events.

2. Have clear goals

While preparing for the party, make sure that you’re clear on what you want to get out of this gathering. What is most important for you? How do you see yourself navigating the event? If your goal is to go through the holidays in peace, create strategies that will ensure that you stay centered no matter how things happen around you. For this, past behavior is again your best predictive tool. You know how things have been in the past, you know what triggers you, and you know what is your usual reaction to them. Thus, plan around it. Is there a different way to react to that particular behavior? How can you respond differently to your triggers? Why do they affect you this much? How can you minimize the impact they have on you? Coming up with these answers may insulate you against the impact of subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) aggressions, such as tone of voice, mean comments, criticisms, etc. Also, have a plan on how you will respond to those things that are too hurtful to allow you to stay centered. For example, you may consider removing yourself from the situation when a negative comment or topic comes up. You may also change the subject or plainly state that you don’t wish to discuss that. You may even say that you don’t want them to discuss that topic in your presence. Have a plan and define clear boundaries, that you can easily communicate to others, if necessary. That will ensure that you’re the one in control. It will also help you feel less anxious and more confident about the entire event.

3. Avoid controversial topics

There is a reason you have stepped back from this relationship at some moment in time. And I am sure that the fact that you can’t agree on the essential things in life, be it parenting, politics, religion or relationships, is one of them. So why bring them up? Keep the interaction superficial and straightforward. Talk about the latest events, the lives of public people, and the current social-economic situation. But refrain from defending your point of view when you hear someone saying something that you consider wrong or stupid. Why, if you won’t be able to reason with them? Remember that past experiences are your best predictor of future experiences. You won’t change their mind. And even though sometimes getting into passionate philosophical arguments may be exciting, if it adds nothing but stress to the parties involved, it is futile. Within five days or less, a heated discussion on a controversial topic won’t change anything, but your mood. Let it be. Your silence isn’t a statement of your agreement or consent. It is merely your emotional intelligence kicking in when it’s clear that the situation is a waste of your time and energy. Remember that your goal is to keep your holidays as stress-free as possible.

4. Be kind and open

Once you have a plan and you set your expectations to a realistic level, put your best self forward. Offer these people the same kindness that you would extend to strangers. Picture this: suppose that you have no family to spend the holidays with you. A good friend invites you to spend it with them and their family, whom you’ve never met before. How to behave around those people? What to say? What not to say? If you’re like most people, you’ll try to be kind and smiley, without opening yourself up too much. Nobody becomes emotionally vulnerable to strangers the first or second time they meet. The same thing is at play here: kindness with emotional self-protection. The kindness isn’t for them, but for yourself. A truly happy holiday gathering won’t be so if you stay closed up and angry. By doing that you may wind up generating the very events you’re trying to avoid. Thus, try to think of these people as strangers. That may be the only way to offer them your best while caring for yourself.

Each family is different, but very few of them are free of problems. There are always interpersonal conflicts, past unresolved issues, and emotional hurt. When what is at stake is a personality disorder, such as narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, it is even more important to have a plan in place. It’s always okay to refrain from spending what’s supposed to be happy a happy time with people that cause you pain. But if you decide to be with them, make sure to make the best of it.

A couple of weeks ago we discussed bullying and the strategies used by schools to try to prevent it. One of the approaches used is “teaching children to care.” In other words, to teach them empathy. As we know, empathy is more of an experiential than an intellectual learning. If you don’t know how it feels to be cared for, you won’t know how to care for others. The challenge is to teach children to care enough that they can stop themselves from acting on their anger because they know it will hurt others.

Managing feelings

In an attempt to try to curb children’s temper parents have been told to allow their kids to act on their anger. They were told that they need to provide children with a safe space where they can be honest, speak their thoughts and their feelings. They must know that they can express their frustration and everything will be okay. They won’t be punished, and their parents won’t be hurt or angry. Thus, children grew up being allowed to tell parents that they hate them, to yell at them, even to curse. In response, parents stay calm and composed, showing their children that it is safe to speak up their minds.

Now, if that is the right strategy to raise calmer and more centered children, why do we have so many bullies? If what we are doing is valid, why aren't our teens less angry?

Children learn social skills better in their interaction with us – their caregivers – than they ever will elsewhere. And I wonder what parents are teaching their kids when they accept verbal abuse to allow them to express their feelings. Is it socially acceptable to express our emotions without consideration for others? Is it kind to express our feelings without care for how it will affect others? If not, why is that allowed at home?

Learning how to care for others

At some point, giving them space to express themselves became synonymous with door slamming, cursing, yelling, and “I hate you!” thrown at parents. This doesn’t foster growth, maturity or make them socially apt. Instead, we're raising our children with an unhealthy sense of sense and a much lower level of caring for others. With less empathy and more entitlement. Why should they care for someone they barely know at school when they don't have to mind those who brought them to life? The only thing we're teaching them is that nothing matters other than their feelings and needs. And that, in service of those, everything is accepted.

There are many consequences to this learning. They range from the lack of interest in helping a new school friend get integrated, to relationships where people selfishly care only for themselves. And to (why not?) bullying. The thought here could be, “if what I need to feel better about my anger or frustration is to bully someone, why not?”

It always goes back to culture

We can track the roots of this self-serving behavior to our very culture. Although we're very involved with charities, our society prioritizes the individual's wellbeing over the group's. Examples abound: our states are independent, with independent laws. Our federal government is non-intrusive. [I know that many Americans think otherwise, but I am from Brazil, and I have lived in Argentina. I know what an intrusive government is]. Companies aren't held accountable legally or financially for the unjustified dismissal of an employee. Symbolically, the fact that we aren't granted paid maternity leave to care for our offspring is meaningful. It's saying that, as a society, our minds aren't set in the care of others. Therefore, children have to fend for themselves from an early age (self-soothing, for example), because parents have to work. We are great at pulling together efforts to help one another in times of crisis, and that is beautiful. But at our core, we believe that each of us is responsible for our own care. And that is fine, but not without consequences.

What is the problem? And is there a solution?

As we commonly say, “feelings are never to be judged as right or wrong because feelings are feelings. Everyone is entitled to them”. And that is true. But we aren't entitled to cruelly act on them. It is time to start taking into account other people's feelings in every aspect of our lives. When my 14-year-old tells me, for example, that she shouldn’t have to spend one day with family every week because she loses the desire to be together when she's forced, I tell her that she hurt my feelings. We actually had this very conversation last week. She wanted to have another sleepover at a friends’ (second in a row), and I wanted her to spend some time with us. She said that she was feeling obligated to be with us and that it was like that all the time. After the argument, a couple of days later, I sat with her and talked. I told her that she hurt my feelings. Her immediate response was that she could never share her feelings with me because I always felt hurt.

And here, right here, is the problem: we aren't teaching our children how to respectfully and kindly share their feelings. Instead, we're telling them that it is okay to blast them out, which isn't the same thing. We have to help them learn to navigate their emotions in a mature and healthy way. It's okay to express your feelings through conversation, but not screaming or acting out. That is not okay! They must learn from an early age that others matter. And it starts at home. We are the best ones to start showing them that words can hurt and that there are other ways to express yourself. By seeing that their words can hurt us, they will start incorporating that notion into their relationships with others. As usual with children, the learning has to come through a meaningful bond. Or we will continue trying to teach them empathy at school with little result.

The other day I answered a question about spanking on Quora. Because of the comments I received afterward, I thought it could be worthy to write more about it.

Spanking is a very controversial topic. I’ve had friends say that the reason our kids are the way they are these days – misbehaving, entitled, etc. – is that we aren't allowed to physically punish them anymore, as we used to be in the good old days. Others believe that long intellectual conversations are the best option, even when trying to keep a toddler safe. What is the best course of action to keep our children protected while helping them understand the meaning of “no”?

When I was growing up, I was spanked a few times. Not often, but when it did happen, it was bad enough to make me remember it. My mom never used anything but her hands or flip-flops. Thus, any physical damage caused was superficial and not long-lasting. Once, when I was six, I messed with the phonograph, and the needle broke. My mom grabbed me, locked me in a room, and spanked me for what felt like a long time. I was crying while she was doing it, and so was she. In the end, she left the room to continue to cry in the bathroom. I stayed in the bedroom crying, looking at my badly hurt right thumb, which was the one to take most of the beating while I was trying to defend my behind. During the spanking, I was never angry at her. After all, I knew I had earned it. Today, looking back, I feel that breaking a phonograph needle is too little to get a 6-year-old child a beating. But, as a mom myself, I know that wasn't about it. It was not about that phonograph or that needle. It was about all of the other times she had told me not to do something (and that thing in particular) to no avail.

How do I know that? Well, I have three kids. My first born did get some spanking a handful of times. She was very unruly, and I was very young, which tends to be an unfortunate combination. My second child never got any beating because she has always been a rule-follower. So, she didn’t do anything to “deserve” it. But I do think that (being older myself) I would have resorted to different measures, had that not been the case. My third one is now 3 ½ years old, and I can say for sure that I won't spank him, regardless of his behavior. Why? Because spanking is never about them and always about us!

Spanking as a resort to release (our) anger

Let me go back to my own experience. When my mom lost it with me, in the case of the phonograph needle, the beating hasn't stopped my behavior. It stayed with me for a little while (my thumb was a great reminder), but that was about it. I never got angry at my mom for any beating. I felt that spanking was something that parents had the right to do to misbehaving children. What I do remember is being very confused by the fact that my mom was crying while inflicting that pain on me. Why? She was not feeling the pain. The emotional distress was something beyond my grasp at that time, so I just didn’t understand.

Looking back, though, her crying coupled with my own experience as a mom are very revealing. Even though Science and Psychology have sometimes questioned the educational value of spanking a child, a lot of us continue to do so. A lot of us do it not because we rationally decide to, but because we can’t stop ourselves. Why? We tell ourselves that it is for the sake of the child. But that doesn’t tell the whole story. At least nine out of ten times we spank our children when we have run out of resources (and patience) to deal with the situation in any other way. We beat them when we feel that we can’t make them understand through rational means. We spank to assert our power (as if it was not obvious enough). But most of all we spank them because we lost control (of them, but also of our temper and ourselves). We do it to release our anger. Yes, this is our dirty little secret. We don’t say it out loud, and we probably won’t ever admit it to others. But the truth is that we spank our children when we are at our wit's end. I am not saying they didn’t take us there. They probably did! But we are the adults in the situation, and we should be better able to cope with our anger.

Before proceeding, let’s make one thing clear. When I talk about spanking, I am not referring to the hand slap that a toddler gets every now and again. Toddlers lack the resort of language, and the options to communicate with them are very limited. So, sometimes, a light hand slap may be the only efficient way to make them learn by association, for example, that fingers should never go into a power outlet. Why the example of a power outlet? Because that is a risk that we can’t remove from the toddler's access, which would be the first appropriate action. It may also be hard to keep them off of the risk area since power outlets are spread throughout the house (which would be the second appropriate action). In said cases, a light hand slap may be adequate to communicate danger in a language that they understand. This may keep them safe from a higher risk. But anything other than that is abuse.

Consequences of spanking: behavior correction?

Back to our topic, why shouldn’t you spank your child? I can’t possibly exhaust all the reasons here. I won’t state the obvious and say that by punishing them when you are angry, you are stating that physical aggression is an acceptable way to deal with irritation and frustration. But I will call your attention to the fact that your relationship is already one with an imbalance of power. In it, you are the one who they owe respect, you are the insurer of their survival (physical and otherwise), and you are physically bigger than they are in every possible way. Therefore, like it or not, spanking is an abuse of power. As parents, we have authority over our children, which grants us power. And that is the exact reason we should be mindful. In any other social or professional situation, we have to be careful not to adopt an abusive attitude towards those we hold power. Why isn’t that true when it comes to our children? With power comes responsibility. And, although small, they are people in their formative years, who deserve our caring and respect. A relationship where there is an abuse of power is an abusive relationship. And that is not acceptable, not even between parents and their children.

Furthermore, studies have proven that school bullies are usually bullied at home. But what does it mean to be bullied? Not only to be the reason for jokes within the family (when there is one) but also to be treated in a way that creates anger and frustration. Am I saying that we should work to avoid frustration to our children at all costs? Not. At. All. I am stating that feelings need to be addressed and released one way or another. And when there is no room for that at home, it will come out in other harmful ways, to oneself or others. In relationships where power is used as a coercive tool to try to generate behavior, there is usually a lot of repressed feelings. And those always make their way to the surface, no matter the cost.

Grounding as an option, only when done right

Let me refer once again to my own experience. When I was spanked, I was left physically hurt, but the reason for the spanking never stayed with me for long. Maybe while the pain lasted, but that was it. Now, the times that I was grounded, oh boy, I remember those very well. But what does being grounded mean?

These days, the reasons for grounding is sometimes lost and not necessarily associated with the behavior we want to correct. At my home, I try to make sure that the action is linked to the punishment. For example, if my daughter’s weekly chores aren't finished when due, I may not allow her to hangout with her friends on a weekend night. If she wakes up late for school for staying on her phone until late, I may set up an earlier than usual curfew for a few days. If that happens again, then the earlier curfew may become the new norm. This may seem obvious, but it is very common to see parents establishing punishments that are completely dissociated from the transgression.

It is also important to keep in mind what is it that we want to accomplish with the punishment. It has to be to correct the behavior. Grounding can’t be a substitute for the anger release that spanking used to provide. It has to make sense. What was the offense? That has to determine what will happen next.

The old tactic of removal of love: a no-no

Another type of punishment that parents sometimes use to punish children is to remove their love from them. As if they were saying “if you do this, then I don’t love you anymore.” Love should never be up for debate. Love must be unconditional. What is not unconditional is trust, freedom, having fun or getting the wished-for Christmas presents. Those can be conditional, but never love. Conditioning your love for your child to their behavior places a big IF in their sense of self-worth. “I will love you IF you ARE like this, if you BEHAVE like that, if you meet my expectations for who you should be.” By doing that, we are giving away our children to their peers, who accepts them unconditionally. We are also removing from our child their right to be their own person, regardless of whether that pleases us or not.

A final tip

Finally, I will leave a tip for parents of children with problematic behavior. We are taught to give children a “time out” when they misbehave. We remove them from our immediate environment and from our sight to give them time to think (and to give us time to chill out). But, more often than not, especially when they are teenagers, what they need is proximity to us, not distance. They are probably misbehaving because we haven’t been close enough. If we had been, we probably wouldn’t have missed that there was a problem in the first place. So, sometimes, I make part of the “punishment” in my household spending more family time with us, the parents. It not only works as a punishment (which teen wants to spend more time with family?) but also helps to minimize distances, to improve communication, to strengthen bond and affection and it tends to help to resolve the backend problem, even when it is not clear to us. It is worth the try.

First scenario: a child who is part of a stable and loving family of 5 goes through a huge loss at age 12. Her older sister decides to leave the family’s house in a stressful condition. Suddenly she stops being part of the family’s routines. At this stressful moment, the family offers psychological and emotional support to the 12-year-old. But she says she prefers not to talk about her feelings claiming that it only makes her sad. The parents respect her preference. A few months later this child tells her parents saying that emotionally she feels so miserable that she started cutting herself.

Second scenario: a 14-year-old child receives the news that the family is relocating to another state for work-related reasons. The child is extremely distraught and expresses that she doesn’t want to go. The parents explain that they must move and the child comes up with suggestions to avoid it. She suggests splitting up the family, financially downsizing or accepting unemployment. The family firmly explains that the proposed solutions aren't feasible options. The following week the child is caught shoplifting. The week after that, she is found sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night. Being these actions entirely out of character, when asked why she did it, she says she doesn't know.

Third scenario: a bastard child is sexually raped at the age 5. Raised by a single alcoholic mother alcoholic who is mentally ill, she grows up in a volatile environment. Despite that, she goes through her teenage years never doing drugs or breaking the law. As an adult, she forms the family she wishes she had had. She also develops a practice to help others with emotional and psychological issues. She develops anxiety issues later in life, which she deals with through therapy and medication. Other than that her records as a child and teenager are squeaky clean.

What is the difference between these three children? The first two children went through particularly stressful events in an otherwise average and stable life. The third one endured a lifelong of abuse and neglect. The first two had a breakdown in the face of change in their immediate environment. The third one flourished despite her challenges. Why haven't the constant, safe and loving context of the first two children equipped them to deal better with change and loss?

THE CONCEPT OF RESILIENCE

We talk a lot about resilient children these days. But what does it mean to be resilient? The Merriam-Webster says that resilience is "the ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” Psychologists today understand resilience as a learned skill, which can be fostered by parents and teachers. The American Psychological Association website offers a Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers. Its tips to build resilience include teaching self-care and encouraging connections. It also discusses the importance of maintaining a daily routine and nurturing a positive self-view. But aren’t precisely these things that middle-class parents focus on while raising their children? I know for a fact that the first two scenarios mentioned in this article met these criteria. Nonetheless, those were the children who acted entirely out of character when presented with a life challenge. The third one, who had none of that, was the only one who showed resilience. How come?

Some experts claim that we protect our children and teens from frustration and deception to a fault. We give them awards for competitions they didn’t win. We give them praises that they didn’t earn. We try to protect them from painful changes in our lives (divorce, for example). We prioritize them trying our best not to neglect our need in the process. And I don’t see anything inherently wrong with that. We are parents; we are wired to help our children grow and thrive. If that means keeping them from emotional and psychological pain, so be it. But are these actions generating the best results?

Despite our efforts, the rates of depression, self-harm, and anxiety among young teens are at unprecedented levels. And it isn't that the problems that they face today weren't there years ago. These kids just seem less resilient and more fragile. And, as is America’s natural tendency, we look for behaviors that may be generating this increased fragility. Are we coddling them too much? Are we overprotective? How are we, the parents, damaging our kids? Others look for psychiatric dysfunctions to try to understand any abnormal behavior. Do they have an oppositional defiant disorder? Are they developing anxiety? Maybe they are depressed? If we can find some mental disturbance, we can resort to medication that will make our children okay again.

CULTURAL INFLUENCES

Some say that the fact that our teens are children of the post 9/11 generation increased their fragility. They grew up in an era of national insecurity. Nowadays, terrorism and mass school shootings are the norms and not the exception. However, the rates of anxiety and depression started raising only in 2012, 11 years after 9/11. It is true that the effects of exposure to trauma can take time to start showing. It is also likely that the current official numbers are on the lower end since many people don’t seek help. But what can we say of the children who lived through the war like some of our living grandparents and great-grandparents? We look at them as references of strength and resilience! How can war have made them stronger and our children, when faced by our current adversities, grows more vulnerable?

One thing is different now: exposure. Our teens are exposed to their problems all the time. They are online full-time (to social media, to the internet, to one another), so they never take a break. They can’t escape school or peer pressures when they go home, and they can’t avoid home problems when they are at school. Which means that, while the teens of the old days had to deal with situations that were higher in stress, our teens have to deal with stressful situations continually. And that may be draining their abilities to cope.

EARLY INDEPENDENCE AND SOCIAL DEMANDS

Even though this is one possible cause, I do believe that there is more to it. In my opinion, the main difference between then and now was bonding and family relationships. Children of war endured horrible things, but powerful attachments sustained them with the adults in their lives. Those were people (close and extended family) who they trusted and who cared for them. These days, with the demands of modern society, we need to make our children independent as early as possible. Thus, we focus on being present in their lives without paying much attention to being connected. We are around them working on our phones or computers, not sharing their activities and their world. Without sharing, communication, and attention, there is no bonding.

Some will then argue that teenagers want anything but being connected with their parents. “Have you seen how hard it is to get a teenager to look up from their phone screens?” Oh, yes, I have a teenager of my own. I know how her world spins around her best friends (which can change pretty often) and her social life. But I think that this is mostly my fault. Over the years, this peer-oriented behavior became gradually accepted as natural. As such, parents accepted that teens will take distance from them and that eventually, they will come back. I can say I did. But, even though we grew to accept it as natural, how healthy is that? Teens’ fragility before life challenges increased in recent decades. So did their vulnerability to addiction and suicide. Coincidently, so did peer-orientation. Back to the wartime, those children who endured horrible abuse and wind up okay had safe, loving c0nnections with the adults in their lives. Many of them even lost said adults, but the benefits of those connections held them up for a lifetime. And I believe that it has made the whole difference.

When our most significant attachments are to peers, it is hard to feel safe and secure. They are also going through the transitional period of adolescence. As teenagers, their interests and attention fluctuate on a daily basis. They are learning and growing, their preferences and attachments are all over the place. They may have more things in common, and they may speak the same language. By all means, they are necessary in the life of our teenagers. But those can’t be their most meaningful connections. During this confusing and demanding time, when hormones are overflowing their bodies, our teens need a safe harbor. And that can’t be provided by peers, but by mature, stable adults – the parents. When that secure attachment is there, they feel stronger to overcome the challenges that are natural to life.

OPTIONS

Therefore, instead of focusing on teaching behaviors that increase resilience, we must focus on cultivating relationships that will improve our child’s confidence. Regardless of what life throws at them, these bonds are what will make them feel safe. Through them, our children will know that they have at least one point of reference that doesn’t change in time: us! Once that connection is secure, they are safe to face all the challenges of adolescence without falling apart.

Luckily, the stories mentioned at the beginning of this piece had their happy ending. Both the children who had the breakdown and the one who grew up to write another story for herself are okay. My guess? The children who fell apart during difficult times bounced back quickly because the secure attachment with the parents was there. And that proves that, even when there is some peer influence, our children eventually fall back to their core values. And that core has to be built in confidence, love, and trust. Which can be done by no one other than the parents.

We talk a lot about bullying. We know the definition, we have prevention plans, and we have hotlines for the reporting of bullying. We are constantly working on increasing awareness. However, the statistics are staggering. According to the National Association of School Psychologists, in 2003 160,000 students per day stayed home because of bullying. Plus, one in every four students says they’d been bullied at school in the last 12 months. Also, one in 20 did not go to school in the past 30 days because they were afraid. It doesn’t matter what we do, the cases on the news are alarming. Teen suicide due to bullying is prevalent; fatal college hazing is frequent and mental illnesses that develop as a result of bullying are common.

What is happening and how did we get to this?

BULLYING AS A BEHAVIOR DISORDER

America is a nation mostly focused on performance, pragmatism, and results. Which is probably one of the reasons it became the great nation it is today. But that focus also determines the way scientists study human behavior. The core of their studies is put on what is observable and can be replicated in a laboratory. That affects the way we understand the human being. The subjective world inherent to the human animal that can’t be exhausted through observation becomes an afterthought.

Our focus on what can be observed and modified through training leads us to treat bullying as a behavioral problem. As such, schools create programs to teach children to care for each other. They explain the importance of speaking up when seeing bullying. And they treat bullies as individuals with problems to regulate their emotions. However, these approaches aren't doing much for our statistics or the wellness of our children. The numbers continue to increase, and kids continue to kill themselves due to bullying. So, there must be something else.

Let’s take a closer look at the few strategies I mentioned above.

1. “Teach our children to care for each other.” We care for people’s wellbeing when we are empathetic. Empathy is the ability to share and understand the feelings of another. To share and understand, we must be able to relate to it, preferably through experience. Therefore, empathy can be hardly taught: it must arise from experience and emotional vulnerability.

2. “Teach our children to speak up when they see bullying.” Bullies build authority and respect through the spread of fear. Any child living in an environment where bullying is taking place feels defenseless. They know that anyone is a potential victim. Thus, reporting behaviors that may threaten their safety requires trust that those around them will keep them safe. Therefore, to speak up, children need to trust the adults in charge. And trust is built in two ways: through behaviors that are consistent with speech, and through bonding. In other words, we need to believe that people act as they say, and we need to feel that they care.

3. “Bullying happens because some children are born with problems to regulate affection.” In other words, there is a dysfunction in the way they manifest anger or frustration. Hence, school counseling focuses on developing programs to help children manage their feelings. And that is valuable but doesn’t address the root of the problem, just the consequences. The central question is: why are they so angry? What are the environmental conditions that are creating such strong emotions?

BULLYING IN DIFFERENT CULTURES

Let me start by saying that, as a Brazilian woman, I have been bullied myself. Yes, it was hard and painful, but I never heard of children killing themselves due to bullying. I have never heard of fatal college hazing, even though hazing was pretty typical for college freshman kids. And I have never heard of children that had been accidentally killed in a bullying situation. None of that happened back then and still isn't very common. Considering that mine is a third world country where people live in precarious situations, what is the difference?

We know that kids can be mean. In fact, humans can be mean. Although humans, we are animals. Or, as Robert Wright would say, we are moral animals. Still, we see that kids react differently to similar events in each of these countries. This comes to hint at the fact that culture can influence behavior.

Let us not forget that the United States culture is fascinated with winning, power and violence. And that will somehow influence everyone's behaviors. But for one to be willing to inflict pain to the point of killing another, it is required a lot of repressed anger. How have we come to this and why are things different in these three countries?

POSSIBLE CULTURAL AND SOCIETAL INFLUENCES

One of the main cultural differences between my home country and the US is in child-rearing. My culture, like most of Latin American's, raises their children much closer to parents. Our whole society is structured to keep children close to parents, allowing for prolonged dependency at all levels. And that starts with pregnancy. Maternity leave runs for longer (five months) and can be coupled with pending vacation time (30 days). This allows moms to take care of their children for six months before they have to return to work. Because maternity leave is paid at 100% of the salary, new moms don't have to rush their return to work. Furthermore, their job is protected for two years from the moment that the company learns about their pregnancy. That builds in some flexibility once they reassume their position. If new moms are laid off within that period, indemnifications run high.

Due to our national job security laws, employees relocate less often (if at all) for work. When a company lets someone go, they have to pay 40% of the employee's total employment agreement as a fine. The employee also receives in cash any vacation not taken. Besides, they receive access to their unemployment savings account. There, they will have access to 16% of their monthly salary. This contribution is collected monthly throughout their employment, being 8% discounted from their paycheck and 8% matched by the company. Therefore, we can count on some money to manage our lives until we find another job locally. Because relocations are less frequent, people live closer to their extended family. Hence, people are not as dependent on daycare services: they can count on family help. Furthermore, children usually live with the parents until they get married. When they go to college, they attend a local school, returning home every day after class until graduation. That also helps to keep them close to the family.

One of the consequences of this approach is a maturation process that respects the child's emotional and psychological development. They are not rushed to mature earlier due to economic and societal conditions. Nature dictates the child's growth pace, and the environment provides nurturing to allow it to happen on its terms. The child isn't pushed into early independence. They aren't kept apart from nurturing adults from an early age or for too long. All that allows for a secure emotional development and for the building of a trusting relationship with caregivers. Furthermore, the nurturing provided by close and extended family ensures the development of safe attachments. That gives the child more confidence to handle themselves in the world.

HOW DOES ANY OF THAT RELATE TO BULLYING?

Let's look back at some of the strategies in use by schools to minimize and prevent bullying.

1. Teach our children to care for each other. As discussed above, we can't train caring behavior in children. That isn't how it works. Empathy, as the understanding of another person's condition from their perspective, requires us to place ourselves in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. That won't be possible unless the child can refer to previous experiences. Empathy is known to help increase prosocial behavior, which can prevent the occurrence of bullying. But without positive experiences brought from home, behavioral training won't do much.

Now, what kind of experiences are angry children who abuse others bringing from home? What could be the reasons that they enjoy seeing others suffer? Here is one (non-exhaustive) option: the child is a victim of abuse from figures of authority. Therefore, they abuse others in an attempt to reverse roles and get out of the victim's position. As a consequence, they choose children who appear weak (as they internally feel) and bully them. This way, they repeat the abuser's actions to try to normalize the cruel behavior that they are experiencing elsewhere.

2. Teach our children to speak up when they see bullying. As pointed out before, speaking up when anyone is a potential victim of the abuse others are suffering requires courage. And courage arises when we trust that the adults we will reach out to will protect us from retaliation. Not only that, the child has to know that said adults care for her and her wellbeing. Trust emerges through bonding. And bonding is something that is lacking in our pro-independence culture.

Our children are removed from their parents way earlier than they should. Sometimes they start attending daycare as early as two weeks old because the parents can't afford to take time off work to care for them. These days, daycare centers are much more focused on curricula than on attachment. Performance ranks higher than emotional and psychological development. Thus, children are rotated between caregivers frequently without further consideration about their emotional needs. The focus is on learning and stimuli. When at home, parents have to wake up early the next morning to work. Without the help of extended family, they have to train the child to self-soothe and sleep throughout the night before they are emotionally and psychologically ready. There are so many pressures on growing up, that very little attention is given to creating nurturing relationships. That threatens the basic trust children need to have in the adults that care for them. How can we ask these children who have been left to their own devices from an early age to trust that we will protect them when things get difficult? They won't. They will do what they have been taught to do best: they will try to work it out themselves.

3. Bullying happens because some children are born with problems to regulate their emotions. Yes, children are angry and frustrated. And it may be difficult for immature children to keep their feelings within socially acceptable boundaries. But that isn't the point. The point is that they are angry and no one is asking why. Well, there is no easy answer to this one, but we can say for sure that this anger stems from the lack of something. It may be lack attention or room to express their feelings at home. It may be lack of connection or bonding. Or maybe their feelings aren't respected or validated. The causes may vary. But teaching children to regulate their affection or giving them a mental illness label - therefore, putting them on medication - won't address the problem. It may delay more severe manifestations of the underlying issue to later in life. But, by then, parents can be left "off the hook" for any misconducts. Solving the problem requires looking deeper into the child's context and performing an honest assessment of what is going on.

BULLYING AS AN ATTACHMENT DISORDER

Even though our subjective nature can't be measured or observed through controlled studies, it influences our entire life. Children are no different. Their needs go beyond independence. In fact, autonomy emerges as a result of allowing dependence to exist for as long as needed. As parents, we have to prepare our children for life. But the misconception lies in the belief that we do that by pushing them into early independence. That isn't the way to do it. Treating our children as birds who have to be pushed out of the nest to fly for the first time is oversimplifying their needs. Our children's early independence isn't something that they need, but something that we need. Here is where the conflict arises because nature doesn't require driving or pushing. In fact, it doesn't respond to that. It will advance at its own pace regardless of our societal or economic needs. The only thing that nature requires from us to do its job is the proper support to our children's subjective essence. Without that, they will continue to grow into emotional and psychological handicaps, as the extensive use of medications to treat mental illnesses at an early age has been showing for a while.

One day, a blood test, a positive result and a life changes forever. A woman adds to her range of roles - girlfriend, wife, daughter, friend - that of a mother. In nine months she will give birth and will need answers to questions that were never asked. She must learn to decode cries and smiles. She will have to be patient. For years, another person will be the center of her universe. She will learn about medicine, psychology, teaching, and will try to do it all without losing her composure. She will finally understand what is unconditional love. And she will forget her own needs to put her child's before hers. All of this is implicit to the role of mother. But when did it all become true? There is a general misconception that every woman is born to be a mother. They tell us that we have a maternal instinct that is triggered by pregnancy. With the maternal instinct comes maternal love, a feeling that would make us naturally inclined to put our child above all things. These myths mean to make us believe that motherly love is innate to human nature. However, in its true essence, it is as any other human feeling: uncertain and fragile. THE NATURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MOTHER AND CHILD The mother-child relationship has been idealized as sacred and natural since ancient times. However, contrary to popular belief, this connection isn't innate. Hopefully, the motherly love will happen at some point within the first weeks or months of a baby's life. Nature lends a helping hand with hormones like oxytocin, that kicks in during childbirth to facilitate the bonding process. Which is critical for the baby's survival: they are genetically programmed to love and attach to their caregiver. And it doesn't have to be their biological mother: sometimes a nurse or a nanny will work as such.

This relationship is undoubtedly the most important one to a child's emotional development. But it is not coded in our genes. A lot of adjustment and getting to know each other is required to make sure it is set up for success. WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE A MOTHER? When we enter into any relationship, we bring our baggage with us. It isn't different with parenting. Mothers, for example, may carry unmet childhood needs to the relationship with her child. And this isn't healthy (I can speak from experience). As mothers, we must become givers while our children are the recipients: of our love, guidance, and support. Therefore, it is crucial to resolve our emotional needs. The goal is to create a stable relationship with our children, without traces of a past they didn’t live. Our mother (or the one playing that role) is our first role model. Children want her approval, her affection, and admiration. And they grow up watching her. They use her behaviors as references, either of what to copy or what to avoid. They listen carefully to what she says to identify what she expects and try to please her. Nevertheless, at some point - usually, on their early teens - they feel the urge to find their own identity. Then, they break away from that mirror relationship, which is when conflicts arise. Often, while trying to find their own identity, they take the wrong path. Hopefully, they will find themselves and return to the right track before adulthood.

TIME TO GIVE THEM WINGS

The hardest part of this relationship is the process of separation of both beings. As a relationship that started with two as one, it may be difficult to become independent. Often, this simple idea sounds offensive: "Independent how, if without me your life wouldn't have even started?"As mothers, we don't realize that this perception can be smothering to our children. For us, it is only natural: we received these defenseless beings to care for who knew nothing about the world. Therefore, separation makes us anxious: for their safety, their success, their happiness. We try to teach them everything for their highest good. And one day they tell us that they will do things "their way." This attitude scares us, but it shouldn't. They will eventually come to a compromise between our wishes for them and their natural inclinations. We must let them go. But it is never easy to release our children from our control and care. We don't want them to make the mistakes we made; then we interfere more than we should, which is futile! They won't make the same mistakes: they will make their own mistakes, and learn from them. When our babies grow and require autonomy to live their lives, they offer us the place of an observer. We feel excluded, but we shouldn't: we hardly ever fail to be present. Covertly, they are always watching us for hints on what we think about what they are doing. Are we approving? We may be silent, but our eyes, facial expressions, and gestures are being scanned for signs of disapproval. Because, although they can live their lives and make their decisions regardless of our opinion, they feel more confident with our approval. No matter how much they deny it, few things are as crucial to a child as the approval of a parent. Few things are as hard to accomplish in therapy as the removal of a child's need for parental's support. Even minimizing the parents' influence in their lives is difficult. Regardless of age, sex or marital status, we all need the approval of our parents. THE DIFFICULT ART OF CO-EXISTING AS ADULTS

Sometimes parental disapproval becomes too hard to bear. The mother's expectations may be so overwhelming and oppressive that the adult child feels cornered. Then ruptures may occur: children will stop talking to their parents in a desperate attempt to individuate. And sometimes, as a last attempt to exert their will, parents will stop talking with their children. They refuse to have a secondary role in their life when they have once been the protagonist. Accepting the limits imposed by our adult child is difficult. Our opinions are now obsolete because they have grown and formed new families. It is difficult to understand that despite all this, their love for us is enormous and know no barriers. It exists even in the most adverse situations, despite limits, geography or personality. And knowing this can be a source of comfort - or pain. To a child, it can be difficult both to have a mother and not to have her. They want her in their life, but in a different role, where they are treated as adults. It is terrible for a child to feel that they need to fight for their right to exist. And it is hard for both to identify when to continue an argument and when to compromise. FINDING THE RIGHT TIME TO COMPROMISE

Crucial to our healthy development, this is often a relationship full of concessions and extremes. It can be an oasis in a desert, where we find solace. Or it can be an eternal dispute of individualities. Crossed by unconditional love, it is not immune to conflicts. And it can always be improved through the incredible opportunities for growth offered to both parties. Sometimes, mothers will yield to their children during arguments: they understand their lack of experience or maturity. Other times, the kid will concede to the mother, because they know that age has made her less flexible in her opinions. And because there are fights that are not worth it. Regardless of who chooses to compromise, it is essential to cultivate an open and mature dialogue. The idea is to overcome the fear that by expressing our feelings we may hurt each other. In the end, it is the things that are left unsaid that create wounds. It is only through a sincere and loving dialogue that we can grow and allow the other to become. Aware that we both can make mistakes, we must be able to forgive so that that time can strengthen our bonds.

Having been the indirect victim of layoffs a few times in the past few years, one thing that I can’t wrap my mind around is: how can a country with very few laws ensuring job security or protection to employees have a culture of living in debt? In my home country, it works differently: not only we have many laws protecting us when it comes to layoffs (the companies have to pay us 40% of the total amount of our contract as a fine, for example, and we are given access to an account where the company deposited 8% of our monthly salary for the entirety of our employment), our financial system won’t allow us to go into deep debt. For example, we can’t buy a property unless we put almost half of the total purchase as down payment and when we do, interests may make you pay at the end of the loan twice the amount borrowed (or more!). It is outrageous, I know. But, if on one hand, it limits considerably each person’s ability to build wealth, it offers a protection to how far one can bury oneself in debt. If you are born in Brazil you will most likely live your entire life within the same social class you were born, or maybe move to the next one up, but that is about it. Here, the opportunities are limitless, which is great, but the consequences to bad choices can also be limitless, and that can be scary. How do we deal with it?

Basically, we live in a country where dependence on employment can make things like relocating common currency. That makes creating bonds and attachments more difficult (would that be why the rest of the world sees Americans as cold and detached?) and requires from teenagers (who are in an age where friends and belonging to a group is a big deal) a level of emotional and psychological maturity that can be too much to ask at this age. But you have a family and you do what you have to do to survive, maintain your lifestyle and keep growing. So, if moving is what has to be done, everybody moves, everybody adjusts, sometimes children are left with other relatives, and life goes on. But it all comes at a cost, of course, some of which were already mentioned above: difficulty bonding and creating lasting relationships, lack of sense of home (since your physical house is yours now and may not be next month if you have to relocate). Challenges abound. So, I wonder, is there any way to minimize the financial impact of being laid off in a culture that lives in debt?

Here are a few tips I came up with based on my very own experience:

If you follow these tips, you will be able to ensure your financial health without having to relocate your family every time you get dismissed from a job. Because, even though relocating can be fun, when we have children, it comes with a cost that may not be assessed until later in their lives. From a psychological perspective, it is as important to be exposed to new people and new cultures as it is to be able to establish roots. The trick resides in creating the balance between both. Hopefully, you won’t have to figure that one out anytime soon.

It may seem unrelated, but the way we deal with money says a lot about some of our hidden issues. It is not surprising though: money is a powerful social representation that carries different meanings within different cultures. How much money we have, how much we earn, how we earn it, and how we spend it are all behaviors embedded with social significance that will determine our public image within our context and, therefore, will be a representation of our core values, our beliefs – about ourselves, about others and about the society – and about how we want to be perceived in the public domain.

Because the statements our behaviors make about ourselves in a social context tend to be unconscious processes that earn a life of their own until we bring them to awareness, let’s take a look at what some of these behaviors may be revealing about deeper issues.

1. The one who is generous at giving away money to others, even if they are short on cash.

Contradictory, right? But this behavior is more common than you can imagine. These may be those people who are always short on money, or whose financial life is always going through ups and downs, but whenever money is affluent, they are quick at sharing and giving it away to others. They claim that money is of little value to them, showing pride of their apparent generosity, but then they can show resentment when they are in a shortage and others fail to come to their rescue. What does this behavior may say about the person?

a. Reaction formation: This is a defense mechanism usually motivated by an attempt to hide a feeling by showing its opposite. In this case, this person who claims to put so little value on money could be unconsciously trying to disguise the opposite feeling (they, in fact, place a lot of value on having money but, because they usually don’t have it - or because they fear social judgement, they claim that they don’t care about it). Or this may be a reflection of a poor sense of self-worth. Because the way we handle the money we earn and the money we make tend to be associated with our self-esteem, this may be a red flag about the (little) value we place on ourselves.

b. Hidden desire to be cared by others: This person would, then, either be trying to model for others the behavior they would like to receive (others financially caring for them) or it could be a misdirected attempt to create "favors" that can be collected in the future. Since money is something that we need in order to navigate the material world, why would anyone (especially those whose life is made of financial ups and downs) quickly give away any money that comes in?

c. Fear of money: This person could be trying to hide a fear of money (or of what having money may say about them), probably due to money misconceptions learned throughout life.

d. Concern about the public image: Lastly, it can be about the image one wants to project: of a generous person, of someone wealthy, or of power, regardless of whether this generosity will be reminded in the future when the generous giver claims favors in exchange or not.

What is the healthy way to deal with it?

Vicious attachment to money isn’t and never will be something good. Anything that we relate to in an enslaving manner is unhealthy. But caring for money is good, healthy and desirable. If you believe money to be evil or immoral, why would you want it in your life? And if our beliefs drive our behaviors, as we know they do, what do you think that believing that money is bad will generate? Not abundance, I can assure you. Plus, only that in which we put our attention grows. You remove your attention from money because you believe that it is something that must be controlled or avoided and you are in for a life of lack.

2. The generous money lender

It is always good to have that close friend that we can go to when are going through tough times. Good friends hardly ever will refuse to help us if it is within their means. But some people are good at lending money even to those who are not as close to them, or when it is beyond their means. Some are actually proactive at offering financial help to others, even before being asked. And some lend without any expectation of receiving the loan back, regardless of their financial situation. What could be driving them?

a. Power: a hidden desire for exercising power over others may be the case, depending on how the one who holds the debt behaves after the actual transfer of money happened. Some people become overly present at asking for the money back: they may come up with excuses why they need the money earlier, they may want to assess the other person’s capability of paying back based on their present life’s circumstances and spending behavior, or they may act as if they were feeling that they are being taken advantage of. Others may never ask for the money back, just to have a pending favor to claim at some point in the future, thus holding power over the person who borrowed the money.

b. Need to please: some people want to be loved so much or crave so much closeness and intimacy, that they may be quick at lending money and terrible at asking for the money back in due time. The driving reasons vary: they may not want to displease others or they may feel unsure about whether it is right to ask for their money back. This is because people with a heightened need to please may believe that by saying no to other people’s requests or by setting boundaries they will not be loved or valued. And that may be reason enough for them to set aside their own needs in favor of the needs of others. However, the inability to set boundaries usually reveals a failure to identify what is one’s job/responsibility, and what isn’t. Do you notice that in other areas of your life as well?

What is the healthy way to deal with it?

Being a resource to close family members and friends is a virtue that must not be overlooked. But it is important to note that many friendships are broken up when money comes into play. Therefore, clear rules are of extreme importance whenever a financial transaction is to take place between you and someone you care. Lending money does not have to be a problem, if the ground rules are clear, preferably including payment options, terms, and deadlines. Plus, it is also important to make clear for all parties involved that no one should be ashamed of saying or doing anything related to the transaction – not the borrower or the lender. If shame, resentment or any other negative feelings are expected to be involved, you are better off staying clear of the deal altogether than getting into something that will be hard to get away of in the future, and that may leave undesired consequences.

3. The friendly borrower who never reciprocates

This is the person who always forgets their money/wallet/debit card, the one who is always committing to paying back later (for their share of the dinner, the pizza, the cab, etc.) and never fulfilling their promises, or the ones who unashamedly claim not to have money to be part of the program and who openly says that they will go/do/be there if you pay for them. Just like that, with no embarrassment whatsoever. What is at stake here?

a. Sense of e

b. The victim: there are people who, for reasons beyond our understanding, just feel that life owes them something and you, being part of what they call “life”, should be “paying your debt”. How will they expect you to pay your debt? By considering any expenses that their presence may incur as your own. How does this show up? More common in close relationships or with family members, this can be the person who invites you to lunch and, when it comes to paying her/his share of the bill, won't even reach for their wallet, because it is already understood that, if you accepted their invite, the check is on you.

this is the occasional smoker who never has a cigarette on them because they don’t smoke, but whenever they are with you (a regular smoker), for each cigarette you smoke, they smoke one too because, well, seeing you smoking makes them feel like smoking. Or that person who will not order a drink when you order yours because they don’t drink, but when yours come, for every sip you take, they take one as well because seeing you drinking makes them feel thirsty – only not enough to order a full drink for themselves because that will be “too much”.

What is the healthy way to deal with it?

I can tell you the healthy way to deal with it, but it is not going to be pain-free or easy because these people lack self-awareness, which means that you will have to set boundaries. Unfortunately, you will have to say no when asked for a smoke or a sip, and you will have to let an awkward situation surface when the check comes and the person who invited you out just sits there looking at the tab, not reaching out for their own wallet – of if they leave to go to the restroom at the exact moment that you both order the check. There is no way around it, other than to confront him/her in an assertive but non-aggressive way if you want to move the relationship to healthier grounds. Another way to deal with this issue (most vastly used, I admit) is to start refusing invitations or anything that involves that person’s presence. But be mindful that, by doing that, you are not only preventing the person from getting honest and constructive feedback on their behavior (something that may not be aware of), but you may also end up as the villain of the history who dropped a good friend for no good reason. Which is best? You will have to pick your poison.

4. The cheap-o

Do you know that person who has a reasonably comfortable life but is always saving money on the smallest things, or who is never capable of allowing themselves to use their money for anything that is related to their pleasure? How about that person who is always negotiating a discount on every product or service they want to buy, no matter how inexpensive it already is? Or that person who is always questioning the cost of the service that others provide to them, regardless of their means to pay for it or the needs of those trying to sell it? Well, I think we all know someone like this. We can’t wrap our minds around what drives them to have such a cheap relationship with money. Here are some clues:

a. An unfulfilled sexual life: I will never forget a scene from the movie Hope Springs, with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. They play a middle-aged couple, empty nesters, with a comfortable but emotionally unfulfilling life. Meryl Streep, the unhappy wife, decides to look for professional help. Because the therapist she chooses is based in another state, the husband books a place for them to stay for the weeks that the therapist will be giving the workshop they want to attend. When they arrive at the hotel, it is actually a small, cheap, nasty road motel, that is way beneath their financial capabilities. Well, not coincidently, at the end of the movie, when they can rescue their sexual libido and start enjoying one another in bed, they start spending money staying in nice hotels. Why is that? Because both sex and money are symbolic representations of (and associated with) the same things: power, relationships, desire, etc. It is not uncommon for men to start having erection problems when they are going through some financial uncertainty or difficulty. It is also not uncommon for money problems to bring along other relationship problems – beyond sex – because money (and the power to make it) carries a lot of meaning, both for men and women alike. As a couple's capacity to produce or manage money comes into stake, other aspects of each other's personality are also examined, which can make deeper relationship problems surface.

b. Insecurity: some people may feel so overpowered in every other aspect of their lives, or may fear being overpowered so much, that they focus all their attention in accumulating money and controlling spending. Not only that may be the only area of their lives where they exert some control but, as said earlier, money has a strong social representation (which varies according to the cultural background) that is usually associated with power and status. Thus, some people may feel that in order to maintain status or power or to be worthy of social respect, they need to stay in a place of holding (and controlling) money.

c. Weak sense of identity: for some people, you are what you have. When the link between who you are and what you own is that strong, you have to do everything within your means to save as much money as you can, because spending it may be equivalent to slowly losing yourself and everything that you are. The problem here is that when your sense of self is based on something external, it can be easily lost or shaken by things that are beyond your control, which can make us extremely insecure about our values and paranoid about control and accumulation.

d. Need for power: Of course, we can’t forget to mention the dimension of power that being cheap may give to those who are in control of the money. If I measure every cent that you spend from our shared money account, for example, and if I can restrict your spending in any way, I am exercising power over you and I am maintaining you under my domain somehow. The issue though is that this behavior hides a deep fear. So, it is worth asking: what do you fear so much that makes you feel that you need to do that? Because this brings along a lot of worry for the controlling person as well, which is far from comforting.

What is the healthy way to deal with it?

Sometimes it is easy to be mistaken about who is controlling who in our relationship with money. Those who are cheap and who spend most of their time controlling every single cent spent (by themselves or others) are usually being controlled by money, even though the initial perception may be that they are the ones in control. But those who are in control are usually free, and these people spend their lives worrying (about how much they earn, how much they spend, how much others spend, how much do they have left, etc.). Being enslaved by your thoughts or behaviors is never healthy, emotionally or psychologically. Finding out the reason why money drives your life is mandatory to regain your freedom and become the master of your life once again.

5. The compulsive shopper and the generous gift-giver

Does shopping make you happy? Or do you frequently buy your loved ones presents “just because” and blow the budget at Christmas and birthdays? You could be a compulsive gift-giver, which is someone who makes purchases (either for themselves or others) to boost their self-esteem. For some people, this behavior is so extreme that they may be like hoarders. My grandma, for example, was a shoe-hoarder: she had an entire closet full of shoes that she had never worn before, and she died never having the chance to wear a lot of them. In theory, this could be simply labeled as consumerism, but some other (more interesting) drivers can be behind this behavior:

a. Using money as a proxy for love and affection: do you feel that you are loved when people bring you unexpected gifts? If you answer yes to this question, you may be trying to show others your affection using a language that you understand (gift-giving). You may also be the type of person who feels that a gift is a symbolic way of making yourself present at the life of others, which is often a caring way to act. But for some people, the value of the present states the value that the person holds for the gift-giver, which in itself can be a big problem, especially if your bank account balance doesn’t allow for expensive purchases. Then you will either go into debt to show your affection for others, or you will feel a lack of love and affection from others when you receive modest gifts. And neither is a nice place to be.

b. Spending money to compensate for emotional pain: if you are the type of person to whom shopping has an uplifting effect, this may be why. For some people, treating oneself well means going out and making (big or small) purchases. For others, when they feel sad or depressed, they go to the nail or hair salon and spend money on making themselves more attractive, desirable. And this would be fantastic if the “high” provided by these behaviors lasted longer than a few hours. The problem? The money is spent and once the purchase is put to use, or the hairdo is undone, the emotional uplifting usually goes away and what is left is the pain that will have to be dealt with regardless - on top of any possible outstanding debt left by the impulsive purchases made when you were feeling down.

c. Spending money to compensate for emotional emptiness. I bet you know someone who spends money when they are bored. I know, it sounds surreal, but it is quite common. Why? For some people, it is hard to make big changes in life. So, they try to compensate for that by making small changes: the shoes or dress they wear every day, the color of the lipstick, etc. Shopping is fun, no one is denying that, but associating shopping and entertainment can be a dangerous combination for your credit card.

What is the healthy way to deal with it?

Giving gifts and pampering yourself are not negative things in itself. But, as with anything, the whys matter more than the whats. In other words, it is not what you are doing, but why you are doing it and whether you are being reasonable about it. Are your shopping habits compatible with your needs and your means, or are you going above and beyond impulsively and inconsequently? If the latter is the case, what could be a healthy substitute for the damaging behavior? Maybe you could go out for some exercise, so you can raise your dopamine levels in your brain and feel better? Or call a friend? It’s always easy to change behaviors when we replace it with new ones. Is there something healthier that you could be doing instead, that will both meet your needs and be contained within your means?

Do you know anyone with these behaviors? Or do you have others I didn't mention? Leave your comments below and I will make sure to include it!

As an immigrant living and working in the United States for the past 6 (almost 7) years, I am getting familiar with a marketplace that I knew only from reading whatever was communicated internationally through the news: unemployment rates, large corporations opening thousands of positions etc. Living here, though, I am learning first-hand what it means in one’s life to be an employee, an employer, and an entrepreneur, all because I either am or have been in that position a few times during these past years. Most recently, I learned what it means to be laid off as well: my 4-year employment was terminated last August, and my husband, who had never experienced that over 20+ years of experience working in Brazil and Argentina, has gone through it twice in a 3-year period since living in the US.

Coincidently, this article from the Ladders hit my inbox this week, and I decided to take a look at their tips on how to recognize that you are about to be laid off. Have my husband or I missed any signs? Well, I had known that my layoff was coming for a long time because my company was being restructured, but his came somewhat out of the blue. So, how does our experience stand to these tips?

The truth is that these are just general flags that may require your attention, but if you are attuned to your company and job responsibilities, it is very unlikely that you will miss an upcoming layoff completely. My husband, for example, just knew in his gut that he was going to be laid off every time those fateful “one-on-one” meetings were put on his calendar, no matter how often or recurring they were for him. It may be that he is just an intuitive person, but I believe it goes beyond that. I think that we have an internal alarm clock that goes off when things are going off rail.

What if you are really on that dreadful list?

Now, what can we do if that is the case? Well, it is not an easy situation to be in, for sure, for many reasons. First, even if it is happening and you address it with your manager when you have that internal intuition, they may have to deny it until the actual notification date. The same goes for HR: these decisions are kept confidential for legal reasons until the very last minute and, it doesn’t matter how much the company cares for you, they may not be able to share the information before given the green light. You may try to step up your game when you feel that something is wrong, but the effectiveness of this resource is limited to when you realize that: if it is after the layoff decision is made, it may be too late. But most important is the reason for letting you go. For instance, if they are letting you go because they are downsizing, it doesn’t matter what you do, you may still be on the list. But if the reason is performance, then you may have a fair chance of reverting the score.

Finally, one thing that will never fail is networking. Inside the company and outside. Move around, make connections with other employees and managers, across departments. Ask questions, make yourself known before you are notified, and after. If you are not being let go because of performance, most companies will offer some notice before termination, and they won’t oppose you looking for positions across the company during that period. Don’t waste that opportunity. But, most of all, be proactive in building relationships during your employment period. There is never such thing as “knowing too many people”. Everyone we know is a connection who can help us get to someone that may be able to help us somehow. Invest in building relationships through making yourself useful, because that is what you will take with you, no matter where you are working.

About two months ago I started having problems with my son at his daycare. He is 3 and he started getting desperate about the idea of going to school. Initially we thought it was because I was not working full-time anymore and he wanted to stay home with mommy. We believed that, once we dropped him off, he would be ok. But at the end of every day when we went to pick him and asked him if he liked his day, he would say no. Things continued to escalate to the point where he couldn’t see daddy getting dressed in the morning that he would start crying and hiding around the house begging not to be taken to school. Not to mention that when we had to take him out in the morning for some other reason, he would cry all the way to wherever we were going until he finally understood we were not taking him to school. At this point, we decided to talk to his teacher and the director at the school.

Upon our meeting with them, we found out that his class structure had changed a couple of months ago, and that they went from learning through play to having more structured lesson time, where they had to sit and work. The reason being, they said, because they are being prepared for pre-school (that starts at 4). They said it was a common behavior with every child who goes through this transition and that they eventually adjust.

That just seemed off to me. Now, to be perfectly clear on who is evaluating this: I am Brazilian, my husband is Argentinean, and we have never learned how to read or write before we were 6 (the age that our preschool actually starts in our home countries). At age 3, our son already can count to 10, knows the colors, knows the letters of the alphabet, weather, etc., all of which was learned through play. But I can’t, for the life of me, understand why 3-year-old children have to learn in a formal and structured way if when taught through play they progress and do well.

That’s when the director helped us understand the background: this is actually something parents require and look for! They want their children to be reading and writing as early as possible. For many parents, this is actually what determines their school of choice. At Lucca’s school, for example, they have Mandarin and Spanish classes. At the age of 3. And his school is among the best schools in our state because of the curricula they offer. So, this structure works perfectly well for them. Maybe we were the ones in the wrong place. I have to be honest and say that she tried to accommodate to his needs by changing him to another teacher, but at this stage, he had already developed some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder to the school that the simple idea of going there terrified him. That’s when we decided it was time to move on.

To our surprise, when I visited with other schools and explained the situation, a lot of them told me that they followed the same model (they call it “academic-centered”) and they were honest enough to tell me that maybe they were not the best choice for my son. This is when it hit me: America has a growing problem of children and adolescents being medicated for anxiety issues, and while studies are performed to identify meds to help manage the problem, I wonder if anyone has ever wondered what may be causing it. I know some naturalists assign it to the quality of the food the kids are fed: it is not natural, there is a lot of antibiotics, they are GMO, etc. And I know that America is not big at looking at mental health from a preventive perspective. So, has anybody ever asked the question of why are our children becoming more and more anxious from such an early age, or are we just focused on addressing the problem once it is already installed?

Anxiety is not a mental problem that can be assigned one causal factor only, of course. Actually, these days, we hardly ever have a simple cause-effect relationship for any disease: we always talk about risk factors. And today I want to discuss my unique experience (as a reference for something that is widely practiced in America) as a risk factor for the developing of anxiety in children and adolescents.

The quality of public education in America

When my family moved to America, my oldest kid was 14. She started straight in high-school as a freshman. For two years she didn’t have to worry about grabbing a single book to study: everything she was being taught at school she had learned two years prior in Argentina when she was in middle school. The quality of education in Brazil and Argentina is undeniably superior when compared to the education provided in public schools in America. However, our anxiety numbers for kids and teenagers are not even close to America’s. Why can that be?

As I mentioned above, the preschool in Brazil and in Argentina starts at 6. Until then, kids go to school to develop their motor and space skills, as well as their social abilities (learn to share, for example), and to develop psychologically in their interaction with peers. They learn a lot, but everything is done through play. They have fun and, through fun, they learn. As they grow, content starts being introduced. When they reach middle school and high school, they have a volume (and complexity) of content to deal with that you may see in the early years of college here. And when you reach college, you get in 4 years of bachelor school the equivalent to what you get here in 6, through bachelor and master’s degrees.

What I am saying is that even though we don’t start piling up content early on in our home countries, kids end up learning a lot more with fewer anxiety issues than here in America, because we focus on giving them what they can handle over time, respecting their emotional and psychological development. My amazement is: if kids reject this early transition to a preschool structure at the age of 3, how can that be taken as normal? Even though the fact that all kids behave in a certain way may be an indication of a normal adjustment, it may also indicate that this is too much for them. Why not listen and evaluate?

Some may claim that the transition itself of dropping them off at daycare when they are babies is difficult, and that doesn’t mean that it hurts them. While whether it hurts them or not is up for debate, I do think that there is a difference between the two situations: dropping them off at daycare at an early age is something that we, working moms, don’t have the option “not to do”. So, we do what we can to make it as smooth as possible, but we must still do it, and by insistence, they end up adjusting. Now, what is the need (for us or the children) to pile up content from such an early age? If they are showing anxiety signs, and resistance, and this is not something that will allow us to work or even get them into better colleges, why force them into it?

It is about time that we look at our children as people (albeit little) with feelings and personality. They have wants, they have needs, they get sad, they get angry, they get happy, and they tell us what they are ready for and whatnot with their behavior. Why refuse to listen? They have an emotional structure that is also developing and should be attended to. They are not ours to do as we please, which doesn’t mean that they don’t need limits and discipline, but we have to parent them respecting them as human beings, the same way we respect other adults. This is so basic that I wonder why it still has to be discussed.

As an Amazon avid and loyal customer, I do make a lot of decisions on the purchase of new products on the reviews the item shows. They tell me if the product has been around for a while (the higher the number of reviews, the longer it likely has been around), they tell me about the quality of the product (if the customer average rating is 4+ stars) and they indicate to me the reliability of the Seller (a product with a high customer rating will probably offer a better customer service should I have a problem, in my opinion). I also read the reviews posted, including the negative ones, to see if the problems they had were with the product itself, or with the delivery, customer service, packaging, etc. But is what I read there always true?

According to a recent article published on Forbes, a recent study has shown that the number of fraudulent reviews on Amazon has significantly escalated in the past few months. Apparently, products that have just been listed are receiving dozens of 5-star reviews within hours or days of being launched on the site, which is virtually impossible, since there is a ramp up time for the product to start showing up on customers' search, for them to buy, use and take the time to go back to the website to review it. And, truth be told, the number of customers that go back to review a bad product is infinitely higher than the number of customers who are happy enough with a product that does what it is supposed to do, and who takes the time to sit and write a review. So, what is going on with the fake reviews?

Well, as we all know, Amazon is a huge marketplace with millions of sellers trying to reach millions of customers. Even though sellers who want to build a name and a brand for themselves may offer original products (doing what we call private label), usually we have many different offers for the same generic product, thus the competition is fierce. So, what makes one seller show earlier on the search page than another? There is a number of factors that Amazon considers, including the traffic that your product page has, whether you are advertising it with Amazon or not, and the number of reviews the product has. The thing is that, while buying ads with Amazon increases traffic, and traffic increases visibility (which will eventually increase organic page views), nothing is likely to happen if the product doesn’t have reviews to show for when the potential customer visits the page, which means that any money spent on building traffic (and any organic page visits you have) is virtually useless.

Now let’s look at another side of the equation: Sellers trying to make a profit on Amazon will have better chances of selling more if they offer the free 2-day Prime delivery. To do that they have to have inventory and they preferably should fulfill it via Amazon. Building inventory upfront requires the mobilization of money, that sometimes may come from personal savings, other from loans (in the case of beginners or small sellers). And inventory stored at Amazon’s warehouses will, eventually, incur fees. So there is a considerable pressure on the Seller to turn that inventory as fast as possible, which won’t happen without reviews. But organic reviews take time to happen.

Until last October, Amazon permitted so-called "incentivized reviews," whereby reviewers were given free or discounted products in return for reviews, so long as the reviewer made the arrangement clear in the review post itself. However, after incentivized reviews started flooding the site, many clearly fraudulent, Amazon banned them for the vast majority of products. And sellers had to become more creative on getting their product to some audience that could try it and review it. How did they start doing it? Offering full refunds via PayPal for products purchased through social media groups created with the sole purpose of launching new products and obtaining reviews. When the product is purchased at its full price and a review is left, Amazon labels it as a "Verified Purchase", which is nothing short of what any Seller who wants to perform well wants to see on their products.

Even though Amazon claims that these reviews make up a tiny percentage of all reviews, as a customer myself, I can see how fake reviews hurt my interests, especially because I do base most of my purchasing decisions on the reviews I see for the products I want to buy. Their spokesperson claims that they are bringing lawsuits against over 1000 defendants for reviews abuse, and will continue to pursue legal action against sellers and manufacturers who create the demand for these types of reviews. This is great! But if offering the product for free, which used to be allowed in exchange for review, is now forbidden, and if they are bringing lawsuits against anyone who may be encouraging the "purchasing" of reviews, how are sellers supposed to build traffic and sales to their products?

Amazon is a marketplace focused on customer satisfaction, which is in fact what converted me into a loyal customer in the first place. But since it has decided to open its platform for Sellers all over the world, haven’t them also become customers ever since? And, as such, shouldn’t there be programs in place that allow Sellers to offer their best products at the best possible price to Amazon’s large audience? Increasing the controls in place meets the needs of part of their customers, but what about the other part?

Even though Amazon is any seller’s marketplace dream, because of the number of people it reaches, it is not a place for everyone. Small sellers get swallowed by the competition, unfortunately, and because it is true that once you have your business set up (with reviews and all) the organic sales can keep you going with little effort or money spending, it is not easy to let go of the idea that there is room for you too, no matter how small you are. But today, sadly, that is not true.

So, if Amazon still wants to serve this large audience of smaller sellers, I wonder how could they create room for the advertising of new products and the earning reviews in an honest way. Maybe creating a “new and noteworthy” section in the home page to drive customers to less expensive products, with a strongest encouragement for reviews on those who take a chance on purchasing the product? I am not sure this is the best answer, but something should be done. It is not about making the controls for offering products looser, but making the rules “follow-able”. Because, the way I see it, the higher the standards required on Sellers to sell their products, the better for Customers. But when Sellers are left without options, they will find workarounds, that won't always be honest or in the Customers best interest, and the Customers will also lose. In other words, by improving quality standards for Customers while not creating options to Sellers, the problem is just being shifted from one part of the equation to the other, without any solution being actually brought up to the highest good of all parties involved. Everybody loses.

As a Brazilian who has lived in 3 different countries and who has been living in the US for the past 6 years, I feel I can say this: America surely is a place of opportunities. It doesn’t matter your starting point, if you are big or small, educated or not, there is basically nothing here that is out of reach. Sure, those things can make your journey easier, but they are not determining of your outcome: your mindset is. And I can say this because I have lived in places where opportunity is something far removed from the everyday regular Joe. In Brazil and in Argentina, very little is about your talent or what you have to offer, and a lot is about who you know and what you can afford. Conversely, in the US, as long as you are offering something of value, basically anything is within reach, because people are open to watch, listen and read.

It is to share my experience on both sides of the equation that today I will start writing a series of articles on our experience as Amazon sellers, to help you make better-informed decisions when working with their marketplace regardless of the side of the equation you are in.

Let’s start by discussing one of their basic selling rules: anyone can sell any product in their marketplace, used or new. For that, you only have to search their database for the product you want to sell and, once you find it, you click on the button that says “sell yours”. By allowing that, Amazon is creating both an open marketplace for sellers, giving opportunity for companies big and small, as well as offering their customers more options at better prices, which will ensure they get the best possible deal on everything. But is that really? Let’s take a closer look on that.

So, let’s say that I am a seller with a bestselling list of wooden spoons: my product is sourced from high-end manufacturers and comes in a high-quality gift box. I use Amazon to fulfill my orders (and I pay them an extra fee for that), which ensures that my customers get faster and free shipping with professional packaging and customer service. Because I want my product to sell well and I want the quality of my product to be reflected all over my listing, I pay for professional pictures to be taken and I hire someone to create a quality product description. I also want to list on the first page of Amazon, so I invest in keyword research and advertisement (within Amazon and throughout the web). After putting in this much time and money, I list my product for $8 and, because my products are of high-quality, I have a lot of 5-star customer reviews, which increases my organic sales, because it indicates to new customers that the chances that they will be happy with their purchase if they buy that product from me are high. So, after a lot of investing on the listing, I am doing well and I am reaping the benefits of my investment, as is fair.

Then there is you. You are based in China and you want to sell your wooden spoons in America. Your product is of lower quality and is sent on a simple packaging box. You decide not to have Amazon fulfill your orders, as I do, because you don’t want to pay the extra bucks to have them take care of the process for you, so you are changed basically a small percentage of your selling price for using their platform to sell. You also ship the product yourself from China directly to the customer once they place the order, which means that your product will arrive to the buyer approximately 4 weeks after the purchase (versus 2 days, in my case). Because you are not fluent in English, you can’t create a quality listing yourself, but you don't want to invest money to have a third-party professionally create the listing for you, because you are based in a country which currency exchange rate is very expensive in comparison with the dollar. You also won’t invest in advertising, for the same reason. But you are sourcing your product in China, so you are probably buying it for cents of a dollar, and on Amazon they are sold for $8 or more, which means that you have ample margin to charge a lot less than I do and still make a lot of money. But Amazon is a jungle: you have to be big or growl loud to be heard. So what do you do? You go to Amazon, search their listing database, find a product like yours with beautiful pictures and an amazing product description that is selling well (you can ensure that by the number of reviews the product has) and you click on the “sell yours” button. You will fill out a few information specific to your product and bam!, you have your product listed with the same perks as mine.

And there is more: let's say that my listing has color variations. As some of you may have noticed, some products that are listed on Amazon show both the "add to cart" and the "buy now" buttons, while others show only the "add to cart". Whenever you are offering the lowest price on a listing, you will have the "buy now" button. Now, because I want my product to sell well, let's say I am paying to advertise the product. If any of my color variations has the lowest price and the "buy now" button, my ad will show. And whenever a potential customer clicks on my ad I am charged for that, regardless of whether it converts to sales or not. But, imagine that once the customer clicks on the ad, he notices another variation of my product selling at a much lower price (the variation that was hijacked by the Chinese seller) and decides to save some bucks on the purchase. If that happens, I will have paid to show my product to potential customers and the seller making the money on the ad will be the hijacker. In other words, when he hooks his product on my listing, I may also be paying for the advertising of his product!

Then you will say “ok, but while that may not be fair from a seller’s perspective, how is that not advantageous to the customer?”. Here is how: none of this process is transparent to you, the customer! So when the customer goes to Amazon and searches for wooden spoons, different options are listed, with the ones that are investing heavily in advertising, that have nice pictures, complete product descriptions and great product reviews being listed first. When you select the option you want and decided to click either on “add to cart” or “buy now”, the product that is being taken to your cart may or may not be the one that is being shown in the listing. Amazon's system defaults to the product at the lowest price, which would be perfect if it was the customer’s choice. But most times the customer is not even aware of that. Not only that, usually the lowest-priced products are also the ones of lower quality, poor packaging, much longer shipping times and poorer customer reviews. But none of that is taken into consideration when deciding which product goes into your cart. Therefore, you think that you are buying a product from Massachusetts when in truth your product is coming from China, is of lower quality than shown in the pictures and will take longer to arrive, but none of that is clear to you unless you are very attentive and check three information on the listing: the "sold from" and the "fulfilled by" information showing on the listing, as shown in the screenshots below.

When the "Sold by" (shown in the first screenshot) matches the name in blue above the title of the listing (shown in screenshot 2), then there are no doubts that you are buying from your seller of choice. But what happens when it doesn't? Then you have to click on the "sold by" name and check if the product you want to buy is listed among the products they sell. If not, it will be clear you are being misled.

Side note: listing hijacking doesn’t happen with trademarked products, of course, because the big players (such as Nike, Adidas, etc.) would certainly sue Amazon for millions if others were selling on their listing claiming to be offering the same product.

I have always been the happiest Amazon customer ever: I have always felt I purchased quality products at a fair price and received top-notch customer service. But there is a lot that is not clear to the customer throughout the buying process. Do your research. Amazon’s system defaults any purchase to the lowest priced offer, regardless of any other condition being equal, which does not necessarily meets the customer’s requirements for every purchase, and certainly is not fair to the sellers, who are putting in the work to sell well and get their sales ripped by what is called “listing hi-jackers”. But, if neither the seller or the customer is benefitting from this process, who is?

Next week I will discuss a little bit about the fake reviews. Can you trust the recommendations on the products that you buy?

Do you sell or buy using Amazon and have a different experience? Share it below. I would love to hear from you!

Whenever we are short on money or tight on our finances, we look for financial advice: where can I cut some costs? How can I reduce some expenses? How can I save on interest and taxes? It is all about cutting and reducing. And even though measures like these can help to turn around a difficult situation, it can't be all about restricting: it is also important to take into account the psychologicalside of the money relationship equation.

What are your beliefs about money? What is your relationship with it? You can save as much as you want and even improve your income tremendously, but if you are not in the right frame of mind, you won’t be successful. What does being in the right frame of mind means? It means ensuring that no conscious or unconscious beliefs about money is interfering with your ability to create wealth and it means making sure that your beliefs support the achievement of your financial goals. For example, if consciously or unconsciously you believe that you are morally compromised for pursuing wealth, that pursuing wealth is “bad”, or that you don’t deserve financial success, I promise you will fulfill your own prophecy and stay "money-less". Why? Because our beliefs drive our actions, and if you don’t believe you deserve to be wealthy you won’t be inspired to take the actions necessary to achieve financial success. Don’t believe me? Check out the book You Are a Badass at Making Money, by Jen Sincero. It is a very interesting resource to understand how the way we think about things can affect our success.

Since the web is full of practical advices on how to save money and increase your gains, let me share with you some practical tips on how to adjust your mindset to support the achievement of your financial goals.

Can you see how much power you have in your hands, and you didn’t even know it? Now go ahead and put it to good use!

Hi there!!

Have you ever wondered what the heck you want to do with your life, professionally and otherwise? Well, even though I haven't, I have a 14-year-old daughter, a freshman in high school, who feel completely lost about what she will be when she grows up. Although I find it extremely early to worry about it, I understand that she is growing up in a culture that fosters being a high-achiever, and as she sees everyone else around her "knowing" what will be their next steps for the next 10 years of their lives, she feels that she is at a disadvantage for not having it all figured out yet.

Well, if you are a parent with a worried teenager at home, a young adult still trying to figure things out, or a middle-ager who decided to start over and could use some help, you might find this useful. Through one of my email subscriptions, I have received a list of career and personality tests this week (some of which are paid, others free) that I thought could be useful to you. Hope you make good use of it. Here is the list and the links:

Applicable across all areas of your life, the MBTI is probably one of the most-used assessments by career centers and managers alike. The MBTI gives you a sense of your personality preferences: where you get your energy, how you like to take in information, how you make decisions, and what kind of structure you like in the world around you. Cost: $150 or free online knock-off. If you don’t want to pay to take the official test, you can take a pretty good (and free) online version here.

The Self-Directed Search (SDS) is built with the idea that people and jobs can be categorized into six different types: realistic, investigative, artistic, social, enterprising, or conventional. After answering questions about your aspirations, activities, interests, and the like, you’ll receive the three types that best fit you, along with a list of careers that generally fit people with a mix of those types. Cost: $9.95

Sponsored by the US Department of Labor, this tool uses a method similar to Self-Directed Search to help you identify where your career interests lie, then points you towards career paths that might feed those interests. The results section even has the option to search different careers by how much preparation is necessary to get into them, meaning you can find options that are a fit to your current skill level. Cost: Free

MyPlan.com offers a suite of four different tests to help you find your perfect career and measure your career personality (similar to the MBTI), interests, skills, and desired values (the only free test on the site). Cost: Free-$19.95

Pymetrics uses a series of simple (yet surprisingly challenging) mind games to measure different cognitive and social traits (think your level of risk aversion or your attention span). The results detail your strengths and weaknesses, which can give you some hints into what kinds of roles you might excel in. Cost: Free.

The MAPP test is perhaps one of the most comprehensive career assessments out there, giving you a narrative report talking about what sorts of tasks you like best, how you like to perform them, and how you deal with people, data, things, reasoning, and language. The assessment also provides a list of 20 possible career areas for you. As part of the free sample, you’ll receive information about your top trait in each category, as well as 10 possible career areas, so even if you don’t feel like paying, you can still get some valuable insights. Cost: Free sample, $89.95+ for full results.

This collection of activities, developed by Johnson O’Connor Research Foundation for Oprah, will test your strength level in a variety of different skills, from inductive reasoning to structural visualization. If you do well, you can see which jobs require that skill—and get a sense of what types of careers might be a fit for your abilities. Cost: Free.

StrengthsQuest gives college students a sense of what you’re already great at—and how you can use those skills to better your career. After taking the test, you’ll get a customized report that lists your top five talent themes, along with action items using those talents to your advantage and suggestions about how you can achieve academic, career and personal success. Cost: $9.99.

Learn more about how you work and relate to others with this quick test. You’ll get information on how open to new experiences you are, how self-disciplined you are, how extroverted you are, how agreeable you are, and how you handle stressful situations. Cost: Free.

This test tells you which of the eight Enneagram types you are most like: the reformer, the helper, the achiever, the individualist, the investigator, the loyalist, the enthusiast, the challenger, or the peacemaker. Understanding more about your type can not only help you get along better with your co-workers but can also give you hints about characteristics you need in a career in order for it to be fulfilling. Cost: $12.

If you like it, bookmark this page for quick reference in the future.

If you try any of the tests and don't like it for some reason, please share it in the comments box below, so that I can update the list and the other subscribers.

Thanks! ;-)

Relationships between parents and children usually bring considerable conflict within. When they are healthy and functional, they are wonderful: they serve us as a lovely refuge on stormy nights, they are the essential shoulder (or lap) for moments of pain, and they are the safety net that supports us when our legs can't anymore. But what about when the relationship is tumultuous, abusive, and full of conflict? How to deal with it?

We grew up hearing that father and mother are for life. This phrase carries within itself the implicit message that we can renounce everything in life except our parents. The same is true of children and other blood relatives (siblings, grandparents, etc.). And although this idea brings with it some magic in its bewildering assurance of eternal love, it also carries a condemnation: that no matter how we treat each other, we are bound to be together and to live together, regardless of the costs for us.

If on the one hand this approach offers us the realization of a childish desire for eternal and unconditional love, which calms the anxiety inherent to the human being in the face of abandonment and loss of maternal love, it also makes us lazy, sloppy and negligent: if I know that your love for me is unconditional, why would I take care of you or our relationship? I know that nothing (I repeat: Nothing!) that I do puts at risk what we have. Thus...

Although the most romantic and idealistic can argue that conditional love is not love, I particularly believe that this thinking is unrealistic. In my experience, I have never seen anything in life that is not conditional. In fact, I never saw a human being engage in any activity that would not bring them any benefit. And if it brings them benefit, it is conditional. Not even supposed acts of altruism are entirely altruistic, because when we know that we are doing something good for someone else our brain releases endorphins, which makes us feel good about ourselves - which is our personal gain. So what are we really talking about when we talk about unconditional love?

We need to deconstruct some harmful beliefs passed on from generation to generation, which are accepted without being questioned, and approach them objectively and logically, because many of these ideas serve only to keep us imprisoned in painful situations, which benefits a small minority - usually, the minority that exerts power over us and causes us suffering in some way.

It is time to take your power back. Think about it!

About two years ago I put for myself a goal to start meditating daily. Even if only for 5 minutes every day, it had to be daily. But, as anxious as I have always been, sitting for a number of minutes every day just to calm the mind seemed an unattainable task. So, to make my meditation sessions more interesting (and bearable), I started doing visualization exercises during those sessions. I figured that, since I had to be there for a few minutes no matter what, I might as well work my mind and beliefs toward my goals.

So, each day I would sit to meditate with a guided meditation that helped me visualize how I wanted my life to be, say, in 1, 2 and 5 years. I would think of it in details: how I would be looking like, how I would be feeling, what I would be doing work-wise, where I would live, etc. I would picture my house then, both its interior and the outside view. I would also picture other people (family members and friends) with their moods and appearances. I would picture my financial situation and my love life. I’d leave nothing out and I would really go into details. Since I already believed and knew that our beliefs and mindset drive our behavior and create our life, I wanted to make sure that mine were aligned with my true goals.

That is how three weeks ago I changed my car. Since I started doing my visualization work, one of the things I visualized was the car I was going to have in my projected reality: it was black, big (bigger than I would ever need), high, beautiful. I know nothing of makes and models, so that never came into my visualization. I just thought of it the way I wanted it to look. I also didn’t picture how much the car would cost or which year it would be. I just pictured the car I wanted. I would see myself arriving at my driveway driving it, and I would see myself stepping out of it, coming inside my house through the side door, walking around my house. I would picture the time of the day (it was night), the weather (it was warm, probably summer), who was in the house (everyone was out). I would grab a glass, pour myself some wine, sit by my pool that was illuminated inside and which light would reflect the water in the walls of the living room. Detailed, right?

Well, I might add that the pool is also built in my backyard exactly as I have been envisioning for 2 years.

You may say, “oh, but that is easy: you want something in a way, you go and build it/buy it”. But as you probably know, it is not that easy. You have to have money to get things done, and some of them are quite expensive. The process of going from nothing to having things the way you envision them, and have the money to afford them, that I assign to the work of visualization and to the change in my deepest-rooted beliefs. I believe 100% that this is where the secret lies. Come and work with me: we can get you there as well.

Wait, what? Frequencies, beliefs, and money? How can you put together in the same sentence something as abstract as frequencies and beliefs, and as concrete as money? Well, are they really that different? Let’s take a look.

When we talk about frequencies we are basically talking about energy. Yes, energy, the same one that you don’t see but can feel pretty concretely if you touch a bare wire; the one that concretely turns on the light bulbs in your house when you turn on the switch; the one that allows your heart muscle to beat and your brain cells to communicate with one another. Energy is everywhere, inside and out, and even though you can’t necessarily see it (well, you will if you look at the sky on a stormy day), it is everywhere.

Now, let’s talk about money. Most of us usually has such a conflicted relationship with money, which is barely surprising considering the contradictory messages we receive about it from an early age. We are taught that we should work hard to earn our money, but that we should stay humble to avoid becoming too greedy. We are taught that we must ensure that we never run out of money so that we can always honor our bills when they are due. And we are taught that we shouldn’t want money too badly or without a reason (“Why? Just for luxury or pleasure?”), because that can corrupt us, our values, and turn us into slaves of material possession. The result is that we end up having a love-hate relationship with money that is mostly driven by fear and judgment. We criticize those who lavish on their possessions, we try to stay in control of our spend for fear of running dry, and we are never quite sure that we are making what we should because we were never taught to have a healthy enough relationship with money that would allow us to properly assess our own value.

In the midst of it all, there are our beliefs. They go unnoticed most of the time, but they are in the background unconsciously driving our behavior and dictating the type of love life we will have, what kind of friendships we will choose and, yes, what will our relationship with money be like. It goes somewhat like this: if I believe that placing value on money can make me greedy, I will be afraid of asking for a higher pay and will accept whatever I am offered for my work. If I was taught that money should be handled merely as a means to an end, I not only will ensure that I never make more than I actually need to make ends meet (if that), but when I have some extra, I will spend it all before I can save up some. We will always act to confirm what we believe. This happens at an unconscious level, of course, but it still happens. And then, when we never have enough money for pleasure, luxury or vacation, we sign that up to bad luck, karma or fate when, in fact, these occurrences are taking place as a result of small unnoticed choices that we make day in, day out, which generate a bigger picture that keeps us financially stagnated. But why? Here is where I want to bring a fourth player into this equation: fear.

Fear is an evolutionarily adaptive mechanism that keeps us alive. It’s an emotion designed to allow living beings to react to anything that threatens their survival: when something in our environment provokes fear, our brain and body rev up to prepare to respond by fighting, fleeing, or freezing. And this is the actual problem: fear creates a response that usually is of constraint, removal, repulsion. We don’t throw ourselves at that which we fear: on the contrary, we step away from it. Therefore, energetically, fear generates reduction. Even though it can create an expansive response - fighting, it is more likely to create two other non-expansive responses – fleeing or freezing. And what does that mean in terms of manifestation? It means that your creative streak is simply blocked. You can’t create more of anything that you think of in terms of scarcity. You can create more only of those things that you think of in terms of abundance. And why the way we think of things matter? Because our thoughts are created by our beliefs, and our beliefs drive our behavior, remember? So, if fear drives your relationship with money, everything you do will be with driven by a sense of lack, necessity or poverty, and that is what you will wound up (unconsciously) creating in your life.

So, am I saying that you should get any extra money that you receive, open the door, and throw it onto any passersby? Absolutely not! That is not a good relationship to have with money either! What I am saying is that you should never relate to anything in your life from fear, because we end up creating the things we think of and believe in, be it sickness or health, abundance or lack, love or fear. As you do with every other relationship that you want to keep in your life, you should care about money in a healthy way: not being possessive nor dismissive, not being cheap nor wasteful. You don’t relate with the people you love driven by the fear that they may go away. If you are afraid that you may lose them, you nurture them with love and with good things to ensure that they stay. You treat them with generosity and thoughtfulness. And the same should apply here. You should be generous when you think of and when you handle money, certain that it will continue to flow into your life if you treat it right. As anything else in life, money is energy and, as such, you can attract or repel it according to your thoughts and actions.

Can you see how energy and beliefs are deeply interconnected, and can even be interchangeable? If you don’t believe in energy, it is fine, think of all of this in terms of beliefs: you will attract and repel things and people into/from your life according to what you believe. Therefore, change the mindset. That is where it all starts. If you need help, let me know. I can assist you on this.

The discussion about the generalization of the idea of the romantic love, as preached in movies, soap operas and TV shows, has been going on for a while. The rising number of divorces has been associated with the excess of idealization of the romantic relationships. The "and they lived happily ever after" has been blamed for imposing on relationships the burden of being eternal and free of conflict. Difficult to meet expectations these high when we have to deal with modern age demands, including investing in our careers, fighting for financial independence and stability, caring for our family and children, among other things, right?

It is true that for a while women's level of frustration with their marriages and romantic partners saw a rise, because their partners really fell short of Mr Right (remember Noah from The Notebook and Patrick Swayze from Ghost?). But these days, after the changes in the past decades, it looks like a new scenario is emerging, where our relationships are more of a choice than a social (or family) requirement. People, especially women, feel freer to start over as much as needed in search for their own happiness, and society is slowly becoming less judgmental about it.

Being free is this: having the right to be attached to whomever you want - Unknown Author

Some consequences of this movement deserve commenting: on one hand, our will to fight for relationships is drastically reduced because our tolerance to frustration and unhappiness is close to null. We feel that to insist on what is no longer working is a waste of time, but the time we give a relationship to show that it works is considerably shorter than in the past. Thus, many relationships end before they even begin, that is, while they are still in the initial adaptation phase. The initial love never gets to mature and transform, because when the initial flame starts losing some of its shine, one or both parties throw in the towel. And this can be a loss not only for the directly involved parties, but also for those who had something invested in that relationship (such as family and children). On the other hand, those relationships that last seem to be based on stronger pillars, on true love, passion and partnership, because the involved parties are truly choosing to be there. Thus, if on one hand I feel that the bonds are "looser" now, the ones that stick seem a lot truer than before.

The number of extramarital affairs also seem to have reduced, which makes sense: why cheat if, when unhappy, I am free to leave without further drama? It is also possible, though, that the number of extramarital affairs is lower because these days the relationships are established on different agreements: monogamy is no longer a requirement for many romantic relationships, for example, and the emotional/sexual involvement with third parties seem to be less of a taboo now than it was years ago. As a society, we seem to be heading towards the "each one is free to live their lives as they see fit and shouldn't care much about what others are doing" (as seen in movies and TV shows that, being broadcast after 10pm, show all sorts of love relationships, without labels or stereotypes). This trend, although still transgressive for many in our time, has in theory the potential to create less neurotic individuals (from a psychoanalytical perspective).

Another consequence of this new relationship model is that each person is supposed to work on themselves and take responsibility for their own "luggage". You have to be committed to offer to your significant other the best version of yourself. It is not accepted anymore to start a new relationship with residues from a former relationship, or from our childhood, hoping that the other person will understand us, mend our broken hearts, or help "fix" us. On the contrary, people evaluate the viability of a relationship these days based on "How well do I feel by your side?" and "How are the moments we spend together?", among other things. It is about quality time above anything else. As a result, the romantic opportunities for those who are not interested in their self-growth are drastically reduced. On the other hand, the population of people who knows what they want and how they want it, who assumes the responsibility for their own happiness, has significantly increased, which is certainly positive.

This is still a transition time: there is a lot going on and a lot will continue to change in the next few years. But one thing is certain: the world became a place of reduced opportunities for those who don't "water their own plants" or "take care of their own backyard", as we would say in Brazil. Do you know which group you belong to?

People, religions, and holistic and traditional therapists from all over the world usually recommend the practice of forgiveness to overcome emotional pain and hurt. They say that forgiving isn’t for others', but for one’s own sake; that forgiving sets us free while hatred enslaves us; that anger is an inferior feeling that we should avoid at all costs because it removes us from God (or removes God from us); that, at the end of the day, by staying angry at those who hurt us we stay connected to them, while forgiving emancipates us. But is that so?

Even though this is partially true, there is a negative outcome to premature forgiveness (or to forgiveness that happens as an external mandate – something we are told we must do for our own good) that is usually underestimated: the repression of all the feelings brought about by the person or situation we intend to forgive. [To read more about repression, click here.]

Forgiveness, as professed by the majority, is an attempt at a magical solution for loss, betrayal, deception, and hurt: “forgive and free yourself from pain”, “rise above”, etc. But it doesn’t work that way! Every pain is alive: it contains an energy that, if not given proper release, will continue present and active, even if we are not conscious of it, and will permeate all of our actions and decisions daily without our noticing it. The popular adage that says that “time heals everything” lacks empirical and scientific support. Time, on its own, heals nothing. What heals is feeling the emotional pain in its entirety to elaborate and resignify it. As we do when we are physically hurt, the emotional wound requires care and treatment until it heals. As happens with the physical injury that is not treated, if we simply ignore our emotional wound and if we try to forgive in an attempt to let it go, the problem may leak into other areas of our lives and the healing process (if it ever happens) may take way longer than it initially would.

But then, what about forgiveness? Should we never forgive? Will we live our lives carrying anger in our hearts and searching for revenge from those who hurt us? Of course not! But forgiveness has to be the natural consequence of the healing process. Forgiving has to be the result and not the cause: I can’t forgive to be emotionally well, I have to forgive because I am emotionally well, because thinking about that person or event doesn’t hurt anymore, because I have cried all the tears that there were to cry and I could finally find a new place for myself in my story after that loss, because I could resignify myself as a person after that departure.

When we have finished grieving for that person, place, situation or relationship, it won’t be necessary to impose, require or recommend forgiveness, especially because there won’t be anything to forgive. We will be at peace with ourselves and with others, which is what we were trying to accomplish initially by mandating forgiveness. Only that we will have reached this place through a healthier and longer-lasting (although more painful) path.

One of the most delicate issues to deal with in therapy or coaching is emotional and psychological trauma. Because of its painful nature, when traumatized, most of us try to avoid facing it at all costs. We believe that by not dealing with the issue we are “letting it go”. But the truth is that we are solely pushing it out of our consciousness, which requires the mobilization of a great deal of our vital energy. And the energy put to that use is lost to any other task that we could engage with and could help us live happier lives. Not only that, unaddressed trauma, although out of consciousness, continues to function as a roadblock in the road of personal fulfillment. But what exactly is trauma, what can cause it and how to deal with it?

What is trauma?

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), trauma is the direct personal experience of an event that involves:

- actual or the threat of death;

- actual or the threat of serious injury;

- threat to one's physical integrity (or the physical integrity of a loved one);

- or can be a result of witnessing an event that involves any of the above experiences.

In other words, emotional or psychological trauma is any type of damage to the mind that occurs as a consequence of a severely distressing event that threatens (or is perceived as a threat to) one’s survival and sense of security, or that of a loved one’s. Traumatization will occur when one’s internal and external resources are inadequate to cope with the external threat.

Although trauma can have a wide variety of causes, the most traumatic experiences (or those with the highest potential for traumatization) share a few common aspects:

There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world and their human rights, putting them in a state of extreme confusion.There is a break in a person’s sense of personal safety and security, especially when violent or abusive experiences happen in places where one is supposed to feel safe (our home, the house of a parent or family member, our workplace, etc.) or when violence comes from those who are expected to protect us (parents, family, close friends, partners, etc.). Stressful events that happen both at a place that is supposed to be safe and is promoted by a person who is not supposed to be a threat can be especially traumatic, particularly in childhood.Unexpectedly violent situations that disrupts our day-to-day lives can also be extremely traumatic, including catastrophic natural disasters (such as earthquakes and volcanic eruptions), large scale transportation accidents (plane and train crashes), and mass interpersonal violence (like war and terrorist attacks).

But traumatic experiences don’t have to be a one-time thing nor does it have to be overwhelmingly intense at once: long-term exposure to milder forms of trauma (including verbal abuse), independently of physical assault, may still generate psychological harm.

Of course, not everyone who is exposed to a traumatic event will become traumatized and, among those who does, each will manifest the trauma in different ways. But, in general, when a person is put through an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds their ability to deal with the experience traumatization occurs. Either due to lack of emotional or intellectual maturity, they usually can’t understand the feelings brought about by the experience nor can integrate the emotions involved. Unable to process the disturbing emotional and psychological content while having to cope with the immediate circumstances, the individual will eventually present serious, long-term negative consequences. Which consequences?

The consequences of trauma

Each person is affected by an event of any nature according to their own subjective experiences, their physical and psychological maturity, their context, and to their own filters of reality. In the most difficult cases, some people may develop mental disorders that create some level of impairment on their daily lives. For example, some may become extremely anxious or phobic to the point where a social or professional life is affected, if at all possible; others may develop unexplained chronic insomnia that affects their next day productivity at home or work. Others, instead, may compulsively (and unconsciously) engage in relationships and situations that allow for the repetition of the traumatic event in their daily lives over and over again, maybe in search for a different resolution to it. The common denominator though is that the repressed (or unacknowledged) emotional pain created by the trauma will find ways to “leak” into the consciousness until it is properly dealt with. And it is the effort to send it back to the unconscious and to keep our lives functional while not dealing with it that consumes the great deal of vital energy that I hinted at on the first paragraph.

“We repeat what we do not repair.” —Christine Langley Obaugh

Of course, none of this happens voluntarily. Repression is a defense mechanism employed by the ego (the conscious part of our minds) to keep disturbing or threatening events from becoming conscious and hurting us. Its intent is to protect us from pain and hurt, and the way it does it is usually by either generating partial (or complete) amnesia of the traumatic event, or by creating disassociation between the feelings and the memory of an event. Thus, a person who was sexually abused as a child may not have any recollection of it whatsoever as an adult, or he/she may remember what happened, but have no feelings or emotions associated with the memory of it. That is when symptoms emerge and dysfunctions that can’t be treated by the medical community take place (inexplicable pain, insomnia, negative thoughts, etc.). The individual may, then, spend years of his/her life trying to treat (or live around) the physical disturbance unsuccessfully or, may engage in what psychoanalysts call “compulsion to repeat”: that is, they organize their lives around repetitive patterns of behavior and relationships that allows for unconsciously reliving and warding off traumatic memories, reminders, and affects. In this (very common) case, the person who was emotionally neglected as a child may feel inexplicable drawn to partners who are emotionally removed or self-centered as an adult. Or the person who experienced the parents’ love through spanking and beating may fall in love only with physically, verbally or emotionally abusive partners.

The goal of the compulsion to repeat? To recreate history and change its outcome, trying to gain mastery over something that we didn’t have control over as a child. This re-enacting holds the hope that this time we will get it right: If we act nicer, perform better, dress differently, find the right words, or make some other miraculous behavioral change then our partner (symbolic stand-in of the rejecting parent, or parents) will no longer rebuff and abuse us. Because deep down we tend to blame ourselves for the pain our loved ones put as through as children (adults tend to know better, right?). And when the result of that reenacting is nothing but the same as before (or worse), we blame that on destiny or karma: why do these things “keep happening” to me? It is only by remembering the original event and by experiencing the emotions associated with it that we are able to interrupt the compulsion to repeat, and we are able to move on to better, healthier lives.

How to work it out

While the use of repression as a defense mechanism creates neurosis (emotional distress and unconscious conflict, which are manifested in various physical or mental illnesses), its absence in an individual who is not psychologically and emotionally mature enough to deal with the trauma could lead to much, much worse outcome. In other words, repression may not be a process that takes place consciously, but it is there for a reason, and should be respected as such. Therefore, the work to make conscious unconscious feelings or memories should never take place without professional help.

But it must take place, because you need all that energy that you are using to keep those unpleasant feelings and memories out of consciousness available to you. You need it for the strength and stamina required to go out in the world and fight for your dreams, achieve your goals and meet your objectives. You need it to find inside you the motivation and drive to start moving, to plan your future and keep progressing. You need it to clear the air and understand what is really going on deep inside you, so that you can break repetitive cycles and patterns of behavior, and start choosing better romantic partners, friends and jobs. Regardless of what keeps you up at night, you will see that once you open the door to that scary closet and turn on the light, when you look under the bed and face the monster, you will find out that in the dark of the night things are much creepier than in the light of the day. You will realize that you are much stronger to deal with them than you initially thought. And you must do that, because there is a much happier life waiting for you to start living it.

Wow! What an interesting couple of weeks I had. In my obsession to read books and get educated on new things, I found out about two people that I hadn't heard before, and I learned a good amount of interesting things with them. Both of them discussed ideas that align with beliefs I already hold, even though I couldn't explain them entirely without resorting to religion (and I am not religious, so my explaining of them was always partially incomplete). Well, now I feel closer to that. Let me tell you about it.

One of my "discoveries", Linda West, discusses the science of frequencies. Even though I have trouble wrapping my mind around her claim that the book was dictated to her by her angel, everything else she says made A LOT of sense to me. She says that the Universe is made of frequencies, and that we are able to create in our lives whatever we truly want - with our mind, heart and soul - if we can "vibrate" at the right level (if you are reading this, please excuse my poor translation of your content, Linda West @morningmayan). She says that it is all about love (I have had a personal experience on that front where I "heard" the same thing), and she gives some pretty reasonable explanation on why things work they way they do. Therefore, regardless of my thoughts on the "angel" part of the experience, this is a reading I recommend. If you are willing to give it a try, put her personal beliefs aside and focus on the content of the book. Be open-minded and not judgmental. Plus, it may be right, angels may exist, and those who question that (like me) may be the ones ignorant to it. Who knows? If you have the time and interest, here is a link to the audible version of her book, "The Frequency: Fulfill all your wishes by manifesting with vibrations". Give it a try!

Another recent discovery of mine that got me really excited was Mr. Nassim Haramein. Not sure if you have heard of him before, but he is a Swiss physicist and director of research for Resonance Science Foundation who is the author of the Unification Theory, that basically claims that everything in the universe is one. He discusses his theory of the structure of the vacuum and the geometry of the vacuum (a tetrahedron), going through the pyramids, the tree of life of Kaballah, among other things, which you can learn more about on his 2011 documentary "The Black Whole". The main idea of everything I watched on him is that there is actually a basic rule that governs the Universe, and that the Universe's "magic" can be explained beyond saying "God exists". What his explanations told me is that maybe the Universe can be comprehended if we look at it from another perspective, and maybe mathematics and physics can help explain things. He discusses how, at a very molecular level, we and the rest of Universe are all made of the same matter. If you want to check some of his work you can visit The Resonance Science Foundation.

Again, these are things I already believed, but never had an explanation to them that could go beyond simply saying "God exists". Because I am an atheist, that was not enough to me. I always thought there had to be more to it, only that we hadn't found out yet. Well, now I feel closer to what I was looking for. I found it all pretty mind blowing. As with everything, if you google him you will find plenty of websites online claiming that he is a fraud and that he has no clue of what he is talking about, which may as well be true. I am not a scientist who is able to verify his claims, but that is not my goal either. I am just saying that what he describes makes sense to me in light of my personal beliefs, and I thought you could be interested in checking it out.

At the end of the day, we are all trying to make sense of things in life. If you are like me, you keep your mind open to new ideas and information, and you investigate further those that resonate with you. This is what happened to me with Ms Linda West and Mr Nassim Haramein. I am not here to say that what they are saying is true or scientific. I am here to say that what they say resonates with me and with the beliefs I already held previously to learning about them. Why don't you check their work out and leave here your comments on what you think of them? ;-)

Good week and good reading!

Dear Narcissistic Mother,

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I don’t have you in my life. I am so sorry for that! I wondered if it was going to be a good idea to call you, or email you tomorrow to wish you Happy Mother’s Day. But, you know, since we went no contact – a decision that I thought was going to break me when I made it – there’s been a peaceful silence around me that makes it hard to miss your presence. Whether this is a temporary thing that will eventually go away, because eventually I will miss you back in my life (used to your abuse as I am!), right now I have to admit that, even though the silence is unfamiliar, I needed it so badly. So, I have to thank you for letting me go, for allowing me to choose (again, is it only temporary?) not to have you in my life. Hopefully your pride will continue to prevail and your need to abuse me will not be strong enough to make you reach out to me and try to lure me back into your life, whether by using guilt or victimization.

See, I know all your tricks very well. Still, the fact that I am still your daughter, and all the associated societal norms for that, makes me feel guilty or at fault somehow. I know that I am not at fault. With my mind and my rational, yes, I know. I know I have every right to be, to exist as an individual, and not as an extension of you in the world, as so many times you told me that I was. I have the right to speak, I have the right to feel, I have the right to not like things, and I have the right to be hurt by your actions. I don’t have to remember the same past that you do just because you say so, because I have the right to my own childhood, mess up and all, and I have the right to look at it and resignify the events to allow me a healthier living. Yes, because my experiences did affect me a lot, and I did have to do a lot of work on myself to be able to be mentally and emotionally healthy. You will never know what that means, not because you don’t have any problems of your own, but because you refuse to see your toxic behavior (to yourself and others) as problems. So, I guess you will always be happier than me, in your own ignorance and denial. Which is why that void you feel in your chest, and that anger that time and again emerges keeping you up at night or making you turn against people will always be there. That feeling that makes you restless and profoundly unhappy, that you assign to others’ doings and you never take responsibility over, that will always haunt you and never let you be at peace for long enough, if ever.

Thinking about tomorrow, I don’t feel sadness. Curiously enough, I don’t feel anything. I just don’t feel. Is that a consequence of all the hurt you submitted me to over the past 40 years? I am not sure. But not feeling right now protects me from reaching out to your abuse again. So I will take that.

As for you, I truly wish that you are not suffering. I hope you are doing fine, I hope you can feel enough anger for me tomorrow, when you see I am not there and that I don’t call, not to miss me and to stay away. I hope you can find someone to put in my place, because I do think that deep down you are capable of love; you are just not capable of loving me. But you would probably be able to love someone else, at least for a short while, until your demons and paranoia takes over.

At any rate, I wish you a nice day tomorrow. Thank you for giving birth to me. Unfortunately, I can’t celebrate you for being a mom, but I will enjoy my day with my children and my family, doing my best to think as little as possible that I would like to have a mom to celebrate with me as well.